


countryhumans chatfic

by casualhottubnacho



Category: CountryHumans, Geography (Anthropomorphic)
Genre: All Of The Countries Are Genderfluid, Chatting & Messaging, Expect slow and random updates :/, F/F, F/M, Gen, Group chat, Highly-Fluid France, Highly-Fluid Philippines, I have a feeling i may regret this in the future but do i care?, M/M, Multi, Non-Binary Antarctica, Non-Binary Finland, Non-Binary Male Greece, Non-binary China, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rated Teen For Strong Language, Social Media, Social Media Fic, Texting, Third Reich Bullying, Twitter, chat, chat fic, i hate him so much its not even funny, non-binary characters, non-permanant death, the answer is no
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2020-07-28 03:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 27,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20057122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casualhottubnacho/pseuds/casualhottubnacho
Summary: basically everyone bullies everyone





	1. 1

_ America has created a new chat! _

_ America has changed their name to suck my gay! _

_ suck my gay has invited Russia, Canada, Germany, Poland, Japan, South Korea, North Korea, and USSR! _

  


_ suck my gay is online! _

  


**suck my gay** : what's poppinggggg

  


_ Canada has joined the chat! _

_ Canada is online! _

  


**Canada** : oh my GOD

**Canada** : Dad told you no

  


**suck my gay** : i'm 243 he can fight me behind a Denny's for all i care

  


_ Russia has joined the chat! _

_ Russia is online! _

  


**Russia** : excuse me but what the fuck is going on on this day

  


**suck my gay** : i made a chat and canada's already yelling at me.

**suck my gay** :  icameouttohaveagoodtime.jpeg

  


_ Japan has joined the chat! _

_ Japan is online! _

  


**Japan** : give us cool names Pussy

  


_ suck my gay has changed Japan's name to furry! _

  


**furry** : wow ok RUDE

  


_ furry has changed their name to gamer girl bathwater! _

  


**gamer girl bathwater** : don't give russia a cool name.

  


**suck my gay** : wasn't planning on it

  


_ Canada has changed their name to makin pancakes! _

  


**suck my gay** : wow what happened to 'dad says no'

  


**makin pancakes** : makin bakin pancakes

  


**suck my gay** : shut your fuck

  


_ South Korea has joined the chat! _

_ South Korea is online! _

  


**South Korea** : north's been staring at his phone this whole time because he's an indecisive little bitch

**South Korea** : join before i beat your ass

  


_ North Korea has joined the chat! _

_ North Korea is online! _

  


**North Korea** : fucking fight me

  


**suck my gay** : watchyourprofamity.jpeg

  


_ Poland has joined the chat! _

_ Poland is online! _

  


**Poland** : I swear to god if I see one more notification I will personally slaughter each of yours' first borns

  


**suck my gay** : wow thanks poland, love you too

  


_ suck my gay has changed Poland's name to kurwa! _

  


**kurwa** : i'm legally obligated to say it now

**kurwa** : but FUCK the law

**kurwa** : i'm going to throw hands with ame, germs get the camera

  


**North Korea** : I'll pay for the plane tickets, first class.

  


_ Germany has joined the chat! _

_ Germany is online! _

  


**Germany** : Polen please. I'm actually begging you now please.

  


_ kurwa has changed Germany's name to bitch boy! _

  


**suck my gay** : sorry poland ur admin privileges have officially been revoked

  


_ suck my gay has changed bitch boy's name to Germany! _

_ Germany has changed their name to 99bottlesofantidepressants! _

  


**suck my gay** : wow

**suck my gay** : honestly same

  


**Russia** : hey @suck my gay can we talk about how you have my dad in here?? nani the fuck???

  


_ gamer girl bathwater has gone offline! _

  


**suck my gay** : please never say nani again.

  


_ USSR has joined the chat! _

_ USSR is online! _

  


**USSR** : am i allowed to change names

  


**suck my gay** : a b s o l u t e l y

  


_ USSR has changed their name to ours! _

_ ours has changed Russia's name to Bitch Boy! _

  


**suck my gay** : i'll take it

  


**kurwa** : w o w

  


_ South Korea has changed their name to i am inevitable! _

_ North Korea has changed their name to im the trash man! _

  


**suck my gay** : WAIT WHAT

  


**im the trash man** : :)

  


**makin pancakes** : AME dad asked who i was talking to what am i supposed to say

  


_ gamer girl bathwater is online! _

  


**suck my gay** : tell him the truth, bb

  


**gamer girl bathwater** : alabama 100

  


**suck my gay:** i will punt your frail, tiny body into the sun

  


**gamer girl bathwater** : with your weak willpower? i think not.

  


**suck my gay** : weak willpower?? who bombed who, bitch??

  


**gamer girl bathwater** : me, actually. i was first.

  


**suck my gay** : pale mortal soul, your time on this earth will end at exactly 3:34 am on the fourteenth of september.

  


**gamer girl bathwater** : you conjure no fear within me, fool. your jester's dance of intimidation is nothing compared to the sheer terror my god strikes within me.

  


_ suck my gay and gamer girl bathwater have gone offline! _

  


**im the trash man** : i just witnessed a fight between two gods. im speechless.

  


**i am inevitable** : He's not lying; He's completely silent. I'm scared.

  


**im the trash man** : As you should be.

  


_ im the trash man and i am inevitable have gone offline! _

  


**Bitch Boy** : is no one going to change my fucking name

**Bitch Boy** : because i don't have admin privileges and therefore i cannot do it myself

  


**ours** : anyone who changes his name gets a kick to the crotch from yours truly

  


**makin pancakes** : both of you are intimidating: therefore, i have a solution.

  


_ makin pancakes has gone offline! _

  


**ours** : pussy 

  


**kurwa** : d o n' t b e f u c k i n g r u d e

  


**99bottlesofantidepressants** : DONT BE FUCKING RUDE

  


**ours** : i came out to have a good time and i'm honestly feeling so attacked right now

  


**99bottlesofantidepressants** : Meri already made that joke, fucker.

  


_ kurwa and 99bottlesofantidepressants have gone offline! _

  


**ours** : wow im so appreciated here.

  


_ ours has gone offline! _

  


**Bitch Boy** : :///////

  


_ Bitch Boy has gone offline! _

  
  
  


**America- suck my gay**

**Russia- Bitch Boy**

**Canada- makin pancakes**

**Germany- 99bottlesofantidepressants**

**Poland- kurwa**

**Japan- gamer girl bathwater**

**SK- i am inevitable**

**NK- im the trash man**

**USSR- ours**

  



	2. 2

11:29 AM

_suckmygay__ has changed their name to suck my gay!_  
_suck my gay had changed __makinpancakes's__ name to makin pancakes!_

**suck my gay:**sorry that was getting annoying  
**suck my gay: **but uhhhhh is anyone else awake?

**99bottlesofantidepressants: **always.

**suck my gay:** weird flex but okay

**im the trash man: **I am I guess

**makin pancakes:** i was waiting until you got on Ame but uhm  
**makin pancakes:** i think dad might just tell the un abt this? chat? which would be Not Good

**suck my gay: **ah shit

**makin pancakes: **:/ yeah  
**makin pancakes: **i can ask him not to?

**suck my gay: **nah we good. we gucchi. let him

**im the trash man: **hey canada?

**makin pancakes: **!!!  
**makin pancakes:** Yes?

**suck my gay: **oh?

**im the trash man:** I know this is a little weird but can I like. Have your contact information?

**makin pancakes: **OH?? Yeah ofc!

**in the trash man: **wait really

**suck my gay: **OH

**99bottlesofantidepressants: **OH WORM

**makin pancakes: **yeah? course you can  
**makin pancakes: **anybody can

**im the trash man: **oh

**suck my gay: **goddamnit canada

**makin pancakes: **?!????! what did i do wrong???

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** f

**suck my gay: **f

**makin pancakes: **ANYWHO its [______________________]

**im the trash man: **hhhhh thanks

**makin pancakes: **WHAT DID I DO WRONG

**suck my gay: **nothing nks just being a dumbass

**99bottlesofantidepressants**: oof  
**99bottlesofantidepressants:** what did you want his info for anyways hmmmm?

_gamer girl bathwater _ _is_ _ online!_

**gamer girl bathwater: **back of germany you KNOW that's my job

**99bottlesofantidepressants: **:) fight me for it then

**gamer girl bathwater: **wow this is biphobia

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** i'm?? gay??

**suck my gay:** so? you can still be gay and biphobic. you shouldn't, but it happens

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** oof

**im the trash man:** How was that biphobia?

**gamer girl bathwater: **we call that a joke, my alien child

**makin pancakes: **hey this might be kinda mean but like. are we allowed to talk about The Big Gay around him?

_im the trash man has gone offline!_

**makin pancakes: **FUCK  
**makin pancakes: **OH MY GOD

**gamer girl bathwater:** oh wow

**99bottlesofantidepressants:**

  
**suck my gay: **canada you couldn't have taken it to dms???

**makin pancakes: **IM SORRY OK I WASNT THINKING WHEN I HIT SEND

**suck my gay:** well obviously

_i am inevitable _ _is_ _ online!_

**i am inevitable: **excuse me but what the fuck happened in here?

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** are you near your brother rn?

**i am inevitable:** ya why?  
**i am inevitable: **oh my god  
**i an inevitable: **what the hell did you guys DO

_im the trash man _ _is_ _ online!_

**im the trash man:** tell them what I'm doing and I will not hesitate to legitimately slit your throat

**i am inevitable: **okokokok

**makin pancakes:** ???? u good bro?  
**makin pancakes:** im sorry for what i said i wont do it again

_makin pancakes has gone offline!_

**suck my gay:** wow ya'll are just a mess huh

**i am inevitable: **thought it was a little obvious

_ours _ _is_ _ online!_

**ours:** OK I'm a little late to the party... recap?

**suck my gay:** turns out i'm not the only gay one here.

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** gee what gave you that idea? me and my boyfriend perhaps? my open statement not 5 minutes ago? the pride flag hanging on my wall? the very same one featured in my profile picture?

**ours:** you've named three. find the rest!

**i am inevitable:** wow did the ussr himself just try and start a lgbt where's waldo???

**ours: **

  
_ours has gone offline!_

**suck my gay: **never, in my 243 years of life, did i ever picture the unholy event that is the ussr sending the goddamn perhaps meme

**99bottlesofantidepressants**: <https://youtu.be/rM9WGgyDssU>

**im the trash man: **I think that's enough screen time for today

**i am inevitable:** Do you ever have screen time?? Thought you banned the internet xoxo

**im the trash man:** <https://youtu.be/rM9WGgyDssU>

**suck my gay:** We have gone too far. It's time to commit mass genocide now.

**99bottlesofantidepressants: **hm?

**suck my gay: **I look out my window and see mother fucking Russia outside my window  
**suck my gay: **would have just flipped him off  
**suck my gay: **but this little BITCH yells "YOU'VE BEEN SCAMMED MOTHERFUCKER, GET IN THE CUCK SHED" BEFORE W H E E L I E I N G AWAY

**gamer girl bathwater: **IM C A C K L I N G

_Bitch Boy _ _is_ _ online!_

**Bitch Boy:** shut your trap, Japan, or you're next

**gamer girl bathwater: **transphobia

**Bitch Boy:** <https://youtu.be/rM9WGgyDssU>

**i am inevitable: **i swear if one more person sends that video i will hurl myself out the nearest window i can hear NK playing it from over here

**im the trash man: **:)

**suck my gay:** this chat is a mess and my greatest regret. goodnight


	3. Chapter 3

_ See Older Messages ^ _

_ 11:44 AM _

**suck my gay:** ya'll i just the greatest idea in the history of ever

**makin pancakes:** that's what you said yesterday. it better not be the same thing

**suck my gay:** we should all get twitters

**makin pancakes:** no

**gamer girl bathwater:** *YES

**i am inevitable:** Holy shit yes

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** idk, wouldn't un go bananas?

**im the trash man:** you say it may make the un angry?

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** yeah?

**im the trash man:** let me find out what twitter is. then i'll do it.

**suck my gay:** hjhkjljlhkjjj

**gamer girl bathwater:** this is amazing. the best timeline

**suck my gay:** im gonna go bug the USSR and Rus until they do it too  
**suck my gay:** what about the rest of you

**gamer girl bathwater:** im doing it now

**makin pancakes:** Well, im not.

**gamer girl bathwater:** pussy

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** me and poland are in

_ours and Bitch Boy are online!_

**ours:** I'll do it as well.

**Bitch Boy:** ??? why you hate twitter

**ours:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

_ours has gone offline!_

**Bitch Boy:** WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

**Bitch Boy:** F a t h e r

**makin pancakes:** this is an extremely bad idea. we're already completely fucked because of this chat. dont make it worse

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** what's taking America so long to get back

**Bitch Boy:** he's fucking disgusting thats what

**gamer girl bathwater:** ???

**Bitch Boy:** check your messages, no screenshots

**gamer girl bathwater:** HOLY BALLS

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** @gamer girl bathwater what's ur mothafuckin uhhhhhh name

**gamer girl bathwater:** so it turns out you can message the twitter company thing with a video of yourself and like. yoink someone's username? so i'm just @Japan

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** oh nice  
**99bottlesofantidepressants:** im just germany. follow me back coward.

**im the trash man:** so after asking south what the fuck twitter was i now have an account as well... NorthKorea wasnt taken in the first place so. its a me.

**i am inevitable:** dont lie. you poked me repeatedly saying "South south south south south south south south south" until I made one for you

**im the trash man:** wow. just throw my reputation out the window then.

**i am inevitable:** yeet.

3:59 PM

_Everyone is online!_

**suck my gay:** whats. popping.  
**suck my gay:** okay nvm i see.  
**suck my gay:** yoinked the name America. so thas me.

**im the trash man:** damn. they just ignored me asking to get verified like you losers

**gamer girl bathwater:** HAH

**ours:** they even verified me. did you send in a video?

**im the trash man:** ...

**i am inevitable:** get dunked on

**makin pancakes:** do people still say that

**i am inevitable: **i did just say it, correct?

**im the trash man:** hrng.

_im the trash man has changed their name to The Bomb!_

**The Bomb****:** fuck yeah

**suck my gay:** blocked.

**i am inevitable:** if u dont get verified ill send in a video for you. lil bitch

**The Bomb:** kindly do not

**kurwa****:** hey quick question is your new chat name a fucking pun

**The Bomb:** perhaps

**kurwa****:** hey so new idea  
**kurwa****:** im gonna fukcing kill you

**The Bomb:** not if i kill me first

**suck my gay:** mood

**99bottlesofantidepressants:** mood

**gamer girl bathwater:** mood

**Bitch Boy:** mood

**ours:** mood

**makin pancakes:** yall need help

**suck my gay:** yah thought that was obvious

**i am inevitable:** north do u wanna talk

**The Bomb:** no

**makin pancakes:** would you talk to me?

**The Bomb: **maybe

**i am inevitable:** my name is a lie, im actually just fuckin done  
**i am inevitable:** my own brother betrayed me for his chfjdkakfnalsjfldk

**Bitch Boy:** north killed him before he could finish

**The Bomb:** i did indeed


	4. Chapter 4

Homosexual Homosapien {√}  
@USA

capitalism is hot

Location: busy getting sucked good and hard thru my jorts by ur mom hehehejdjjd

7 Following 17 Followers  
~~~~~~~~~~~

Homosexual Homosapien {√}  
@USA

i guess a got a motherhecking twatter now

[Image Attatched: thought i looked ugly. might delete later.]

Viewing Comments

juicee @juicee   
thats a pretty wild cosplay  
|  
| Homosexual Homosapien @USA  
| yes. cosplay.

sit on my face @lick my baguette  
thats some dope makeup dude  
|  
| Homosexual Homosapien @USA  
| dont know if you mean my skin or my actual makeup but thanks!!! i feel pretty today  
|  
| Hammer and Dickle @USSR  
| ngl i think you look kinda pretty too  
|  
| Homosexual Homosapien @USA  
| in fukcign sobbing over your nameeeeeee also tk!!

The UN @UN  
America.  
|  
| Homosexual Homosapien @USA  
| wow that was QUICK

The UN {√}  
@UN

The account @USA will be taken down shortly. We apologize for any inappropriate actions he preformed while he had this account.

Viewing Comments

Homosexual Homosapien @USA  
okay but like why.  
|  
| The UN @UN  
| You were not given permission from any organization to construct this account.  
|  
| Homosexual Homosapien @USA  
| oh yeah. what abt your private account huh?  
|  
| The UN @UN  
| The UN is not actually online. His members are speaking through his account on his behalf. We will have to speak to him about this other account, but in the meantime, your account will need to be taken down.  
|  
| The UN @UN  
| Im on my phone. thanks for ratting me out pubk  
|  
| Homosexual Homosapien @USA  
| HKFJDKFJSL  
|  
| The UN @UN  
| hey @Twitter can you guys make sure they dont mcEnd my account?? i can tell you what it is in like a dm or something but ive got stuff on there  
|  
| Twitter @Twitter  
| We'll definitely be sure to keep it intact!

Homosexual Homosapien {√}  
@USA

hey @UN if yall dont let my boy have a private account im gonna have to throw hands with fully grown adults, and while thatd be funny, i dont think you punks want that

Viewing Comments

Emery @EmGay  
hey anyone know what's happening? like why is the UN involved with this weird cosplay account

bussy @bussybops  
i follow the un the keep up with current events so like. what the fuck. they're talking abt it like it's a person. and this cosplay account is involved

mcnaldos @iliketheit  
im fucking scared what is happening

harpy @mythologyisgay  
...maybe it's not a cosplay account  
738 Comments 3.2K Likes 2.57K Retweets  
|  
| Homosexual Homosapien @USA  
| fuckin finally  
|  
|The UN @UN  
| It was about time we came out about this anyways.  
|  
| juicee @juicee  
| wait WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

The UN {√}  
@UN

We will be holding a live press conference of sorts to explain what has recently happened. Please tune in to fully understand, as the word of the mouth will likely alter what information we give out tomorrow. It will be held at 12:00 PM EST on August 16.

Homosexual Homosapien {√}  
@USA

capitalism is hot

Location: busy getting sucked good and hard thru my jorts by ur mom hehehejdjjd

8 Following 33.4K Followers  
~~~~~~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall this was fuckin DIFFICULT i had to hand type every. single. thing.
> 
> pleabse comment


	5. Chapter 5

America twirled the end of his tie around his finger as he stared at the little bit of stage he could see. Regular humans bustled around him, whispering into headphones, scratching out notes onto clipboards, pushing sound and lighting equipment... One stopped, but only to tell America they'd let him and the others out in 5. He nodded distractedly and continued watching the stage. 

On his left, the UN paced back and forth, muttering to himself under his breath. America would have dismissed it, had the UN's wings been still, but the white-feathered giants were squirming against the UN's back like they wanted to extend. Unfortunately, that wouldn't happen any time soon, as there was not nearly enough space backstage for that.

On America's right, a couple of other countries sat in their respective chairs, each one staring dead ahead, trying to make it look like they weren't nervous. America knew better. Sure, anyone who became a government official knew that the country humans existed, but this was the first time they would come out to the public and have it broadcasted globally. The wonders of modern technology.

The UN finally stopped pacing, taking a deep breath and whirling around. He gave America a shaky smile and breezed over, the backstage workers quickly slipping out of his way. He made it to America's side and nudged the country's shoulder. "Hey."

"Hey."

"You nervous?"

"...A little."

"It'll be fine."

America didn't respond. The UN sighed and glanced over his head to look at the USSR. Can you calm him down? He mouthed. The union shrugged. I can try. The UN nodded and started to move down the line. America pretended like he hadn't seen any of that when the USSR poked his shoulder and whispered, "What's up?"

America just shrugged and returned to watching the stage. "We were living... relatively peacefully. If we do this, people will undoubtedly harass us anytime we leave the house. We might not have a single moment of peace for a long time, and I'm already stressed enough. I don't want to add on to that."

He finished just as the same person from earlier reappeared. "You're on," The man announced loudly, cupping his hand around his mouth. The countries and organizations all looked up and replied with their various affirmations before standing and milling over. Russia, who had been sitting on his father's right side, reached over and gave him a one-armed hug before moving away. America ignored the Soviet Union entirely as he drifted towards the stage with the rest of the countries.

When the all appeared onstage in an awkward huddle, the crowd below fell silent. Cameras stopped snapping, lights stopped flashing, everyone stopped whispering. No one out there moved a muscle as the UN ushered people to their labeled seats. America wanted to protest that they weren't children, they could read a damn label, but then it dawned on him that the UN might be as nervous as he was, if not more so. He was trying to distract himself.

With that in mind, America wordlessly slipped into the metal chair with his name taped to the back and folded his hands neatly. There was a microphone in front of him, but it was just a prop. The real one was on his jacket, hidden by one of the collar folds. He heard the faintest click as it came to life, connecting to the speakers around the room.

No one spoke for a while. After a few minutes of silence, the UN exhaled softly, cleared his throat, and spoke. "I know there are probably more questions than anyone anticipated, but I would like to keep this to one question a person, please. We... We haven't had to do anything like this in a long time, so we all may be a little rusty. Some haven't done it in hundreds of years." He cracked a smile at that, and a few people returned it. America did not.

As hands shot up and people began to yell to catch attention, the UN raised his hands and slowly lowered them, palm down. People hushed for a moment. "I would like to be able to hear, so please don't yell." Immediately after he finished, the hands flew back up, but with no accompanying sound. 

The UN pointed at an Asian woman with bright red lipstick and yellow pom-poms in her ears. America made a mental note to look for people without bright colors, because they were the people who would ask better questions. Bright colors meant people desperate to be noticed. 

"Uhm... Yes, hello. I would like to ask... who exactly are you?" The woman trailed off, a recorder blinking in her hand. The UN glanced around. "Well, we are... What did we decide on again?" He met America's gaze. The shorter of the two held it for a moment before he responded, "Country manifestations."

The UN nodded. "Yes, that. Essentially, we are countries, organizations, and unions that have been given a human form. That includes emotions, nerves, limits... Death... And relationships. We tend to take after the people more than the government, but in a complete totalitarian take over, we may take the attributes of the government for a few years."

The woman nodded and turned the recorder off.

The UN smiled at her and glanced to his left, where America, the USSR, Great Britain, France, Germany, and Poland all sat (in that order). On his right, there was Canada, North Korea, South Korea, Russia, China, and Japan. America made eye contact with Canada, who was positively beaming. The taller of the two chuckled quietly at America and mouthed, You okay?

Meh.

America turned back to the crowd, where a man with long blonde hair had been chosen and was speaking. "So, if you all are human countries... How do wars work?" America felt a brief flash of appreciation for the man when he noticed the pen and paper in his hands. He decided to answer. The UN let him do so wordlessly.

"So, basically, they're these extremely brutal fights between each other. Usually pretty emotional too. Can I give an example of my own?" He glanced backstage for confirmation. They gave him a thumbs up, so he continued. "Let's take Pearl Harbor, for example. The Japanese Empire, Japan's sister," The country mentioned waved with a grin, "Came up behind me outta nowhere and just sorta started beating the shit out of me. She took my ring finger on my left hand as well." He waved the aforementioned hand, wiggling the stub where the finger should have been. 

The UN looked exasperated. "I thought we agreed to speak at least a little formally," He muttered. America shrugged, not feeling guilty at all. "Sorry, dude. It's just not my thing."

The man down below finished scribbling and nodded, stepping back into the crowd. America was the last to answer, so he would pick the next questioner. "Uh... You there, with the bi flag pin. I like you already, you go." The kid (he couldn't have been more than 19) flushed red and nodded vigorously. "Okay! You mentioned that the Japanese Empire was Japan's sister. Could you describe how relationships, both familial and friendly, work?"

Poland piped up from his end of the table. "Well, as you said, there are familial and platonic relationships between countries. But you left out romantic and sexual relations as well. It actually explains a lot more about our history than you'd think. Germany, would you be cool with me using you as an example?"

"Ja."

"Alright, let's go with family first. Germany over here is actually named West Germany. He had a twin brother named East, but... I think you can piece that much together. When East died, Germany figured his 'West' part was a little redundant and just goes by Germany now. Their dad was the Third Reich of Germany. That little-"

He cut off as he was jabbed in the side. Germany gave him a look. "Ahem. Germany's father committed suicide at the end of World War 2. His father, the Second Reich, is Germany's grandfather.

"As for the other kinds of relations, Germany and I are dating. Before anyone asks, it's because he's cute as heck and super sweet and just generally a good person. Can't say the same for myself, but eh. We're generally friends with most everyone, but there are a few countries I'm on the rocks about. Germany's a dork and likes everybody."

Poland finished and grabbed Germany's hand on top of the table. Germany went pink and covered one eye with his free hand. They both blinked a little at the sudden onslaught of camera flashes and increase in volume, but quickly adjusted and grinned.

The kid who had asked the question in the first place looked gleeful as he disappeared again. Poland picked next. "Hey, miss white dress white coat! Your turn!" The woman in question scowled, making America purse his lips for a split second before he leaned on his hand and watched her through narrowed eyes.

She was mid-to-late fifties, with more makeup than anyone over thirty-five should have been wearing, along with bleached blonde hair (the roots were black). Her lips, nails, and earrings were all bright red, with dark eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara. America already didn't like her.

"Hi, yes... How do you think your people would feel about you dating a man? Most people nowadays are Christians and are... rather against such a thing." She batted her eyelashes innocently. Everyone at the table tensed.

Before anyone could speak, she continued. "It's against the Bible, and I know I wouldn't want to see a whole country burning in Hell because some personified version of them decided to directly sin for the rest of their life." She finished with a sickly sweet grin and turned on her recorder. The UN slowly rose from his seat, causing Canada (who had been about to speak) to fall silent, along with the rest of the room. America watched in slow motion as the organization moved, taking special notice of everything he could see on everyone around him. 

Canada looked disappointed. His jaw was loose but not open, his eyes were drooping at the outer edges, and his eyebrows were angled upwards ever so slightly. To his right, the Korea twins looked angry and upset. South's hands were clenched on the table as he gave the woman a tight-lipped smile, but North's only giveaway was the way his eyebrows moved down and he narrowed his eyes a fraction of an inch.

Russia and China both looked indifferent when America first glanced at them, but when he looked closer, he noticed that the center of both pairs of lips were raised, bottom and top. China's eyebrows were beginning to furrow as well. Japan wasn't bothering to hide anything. She was sliding back in her seat as her lips parted slightly, the skin between her 'brows scrunching in disbelief and disgust.

To his right, the USSR looked completely indifferent. His face was utterly blank, every telltale sign America knew by heart void from his face. He had never been able to read that union, and he had a feeling he never would. Next to him, Britain was clutching France's hand tightly as France looked off into the distance. He already knew how France was thinking. They were already getting negative reactions to just being gay; How would people react to France being genderfluid?

Next to them, Poland was flushing redder than he already was. His knuckles were turning white with how hard he was gripping Germany's hand, while the other country just let it happen, staring down the woman with all the annoyance and slight anger he could muster. It was a withering glare, America knew from experience.

The woman seemed oblivious to it all, just looking on with that nasty smirk on her face, the recorder flashing its orange light over her gel nails. America could already tell she was going to get the opposite answer of what she wanted: from the way her stance had changed after she noticed the UN beginning to stand, she thought he'd be on her side. She was wrong.

"Ma'am," The UN began coldly, the ends of his wings beginning to unfurl. A few whispers broke out at the sight, but they were silenced by a cold glare from Russia. "I think- No, I know that everyone before you today will agree that that sort of hateful speech will not be tolerated when you speak to us or when we speak to you."

You could see the lightbulb moment the woman had when she realized things weren't going her way.

"I also know that you need to get your facts straightened out, because, in case you haven't realized, I am a literal angel." The woman's pupils shot back and forth over the UN, taking in everything about his appearance: The wings, the laurel wreath around his head, the way he held himself, the way his skin seemed like it was glowing. Her eyes looked like they might bug out of her head.

"An actual, legitimate angel. Would you like to know something else? I am in a homosexual, polyamorous relationship with two other unions. You need to reevaluate yourself before you start judging others, because you have a lot to work on. One of the Ten Commandments was 'Love thy neighbor', correct? You seem to be doing a pretty poor job on that."

Canada reached up and grabbed the UN's arm, not flinching when the organization whipped around to face him. Sit down, Canada mouthed. The UN held his gaze for a few heartbeats before he begrudgingly complied, lowering himself back into his seat with a deep scowl set on his face.

America had seen the woman slink away while the UN had been ranting, but the other countries seemed to have not. They glanced around for her a few times before North Korea huffed out a laugh. Good riddance, America heard him whisper to Canada. His brother slapped his shoulder. That just made North laugh a little louder.

The UN scanned the crowd. People nervously shuffled their feet, suddenly seeming extremely reluctant to ask anything. Finally, someone in the back called out, "Are we allowed to ask personal questions?" The UN glanced around for who it was (America knew it was a 25-ish-year-old man in the third-to-last row), but when he found nothing, he sighed and nodded. "Depends on who you ask. I'm fine with it, anyone here not?"

No one raised their hand, so the UN shrugged. "Yeah, you can ask personal questions."

Hands shot into the air almost immediately, blocking faces and hiding entire groups with how many there were. America heard the USSR chuckle from beside him. "This'll be fun," The former union murmured in America's ear. America nodded in response.

The UN selected someone, and they stood on their tip-toes to be able to be seen. "Hi, yes! Ok, so, can you tell us who's dating who? I'd rather not have to listen to people speculate, and I have a feeling you all feel the same way." The UN snorted and nodded. "You're completely correct. Uh... anyone here who wants to say it, go for it." 

Canada raised his hand. "I'm- Ow!" He broke off and rubbed his arm. "Okay, fine, jeez." He said nothing else, so Poland piped up. "Me and Germs have been dating for about three years now." He looked like a perfect rendition of 'UwU'. America smiled faintly. Great Britain raised his hand that was still intertwined with France's, saying nothing. Everyone got the gist.

The USSR poked America's thigh, keeping his gaze straight ahead. America automatically understood the question and tapped the back of his hand in response.

-.--- .-.-.-

The Soviet Union nodded incomprehensibly (At least, to everyone else; America caught on) and retracted his hand. The UN waved. "Like I said earlier, I'm poly: The EU and NATO are my datemates." He smiled. Everyone turned to look at South Korea. "Dude... aren't you dating Japan?" America questioned. South looked pained as he turned to look at Japan. "We never actually..."

Japan's eyes went comedically wide. "Oh shit." She whispered, just loud enough for the microphone to pick it up. "Oh, shit," She continued, getting to her feet. "We never actually- We never actually confirmed it, I just sort of assumed- Oh my god, I've told everybody that I know that we were dating!"

"So did I!" South yelped.

They both paused before dissolving into giggles. "We're both super dumb," South managed, covering his mouth with his hand. Japan only nodded. "So- So are we?" She got out, making eye contact with South. He calmed down a little. "I... think? I mean, I thought we were... If you want to-"

"Yeah, I want to."

It was quiet for a moment before the UN blinked and smiled warily. "Uhm... glad that's cleared up?" It came out like a question, but America nodded. "Yeah... That was painful to watch."

"Thanks for the support, 'Meri." 

"You're always welcome, South."

Neither Russia or China had anything to say, so everyone decided to move to the next question. 

"How many of you have social media accounts?"

The UN pursed his lips. "Well, the ones I know of so far are myself, America, and the USSR." A few people looked startled when the UN pointed at the latter, as if they hadn't noticed him yet. "I have a feeling at least Japan and South Korea have one as well." The mentioned countries nodded, but a few others spoke up. "The majority of us up on this stage have one, with the exceptions of Great Britain, France, and China."

Everyone turned to look at North Korea, who shrugged. "I was lied to." He said simply. America paused before he snorted. "You were, weren't you?" He teased. North huffed. "Absolutely."

That seemed to break open the floodgates for a question everyone had been expecting: "Why are the USSR and North Korea present?" Someone piped up. Everyone exchanged glances, some worried, some amused, some confused. "Honestly... I don't know." The UN spoke up. The Soviet Union let a small smile slip through. "I was... prompted, you could say. No, no... begged would be a better word." His grin grew at that. 

America fought back a blush and replied, "Can't imagine who'd degrade themselves enough to beg you to do anything." He was looking at the crowd, but he could practically see the smirk that the USSR was showing. "Oh, I can. It'd probably be someone who would be rather bored by this and wanted some company, and who better than the man they suck o-"

Great Britain jabbed the Soviet Union's ribcage with his elbow. The attackee just laughed and waved a hand. The UN watched the interaction with mild amusement before he checked the watch on his wrist. "Oh, it's only 11!" He chirped. "We can still answer a few more questions before a lunch break!" He pointed at someone in the back of the crowd and let the rest of the questions flow in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Uh heck I got a little bored with this so... Hhhhhhhere we're done~
> 
> ~3210 Words~


	6. Chapter 6

Group Chat

**suck my gay:** wow that was painful

**gamer girl bathwater:** shut ur fuck it wasn't that bad

**makin pancakes:** yeah at least you didn't get pinched

**Bitch Boy:** What was all that pinching about, anyhow?

**makin pancakes:** i was boutta say something i shouldnt have so i got pinched

**The Bomb:** you probably deserved it

**makin pancakes: **you're not still salty about THAT, are you?

**The Bomb:** i will never not be salty about it

**suck my gay:** salty abt what

**The Bomb:** canada's a little BITCH

**suck my gay:** Don't insult my brother

**Bitch Boy:** He capitalized his first word, you truly are in trouble

**makin pancakes:** can you not i bought you more

**The Bomb:** ITS NOT THE SAME

**suck my gay:** WHATS NOT THE SAME

**The Bomb:** HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID

**makin pancakes:** I WAS HUNGRY GODDAMMIT

**The Bomb:** I THOUGHT YOU WERE CANADA

**gamer girl bathwater: **if yall dont stfu and explain-

**Bitch Boy:** I'm not sure whether or not I should take this seriously

**makin pancakes:** i ate the last chocolate pie like a week ago and North's still pissed

**The Bomb:** I trusted you. Let you into my house and my life, and you go and break my heart and hope for humanity.

**makin pancakes:** i bought you a whole new box bitch

**The Bomb:** that's not the point!!!

**suck my gay:** youve been to his house???

**gamer girl bathwater:** well yeah hes basically north's only friend

**The Bomb:** he WAS

**makin pancakes:** well there goes our plans for tonight  
**makin pancakes:** so sad :( i was looking forward to it

**The Bomb:** wait  
**The Bomb:** do you mean the disney movies or the other thing

**makin pancakes:** both.

**The Bomb:** I'm sorry for dragging out my annoyance at you, Canada. It was uncalled for and I should have just accepted your apology in the first place.

**makin pancakes:** there we go :) plans are back  
**makin pancakes:** in fact, why don't we start now? that apology was a little lacking...

**The Bomb:** hhhhhh okay

**Bitch Boy:** the fuck did I just witness

**gamer girl bathwater:** your dad

**Bitch Boy:** you dont mean *that* do you

**gamer girl bathwater:** mhm

**suck my gay:**

**Bitch Boy:** yeah that sums it up pretty well

**suck my gay:** I'm gonna fucking punt North  
**suck my gay:** tiny man will get a face full of FOOT

_99bottlesofantidepressants is online!_

**99bottlesofantidepressants: **so i am confusion.

**suck my gay: **>:( and i am anger.

**gamer girl bathwater:** and i'm over here hoping yall are gonna learn to use proper grammar

**suck my gay:** ur one to talk

_ours is online!_

**ours: **if you lot dont shut it i will literally crazy murder all of you. i could kill you all. easily.

**suck my gay:** yeah, so what?

**suck my gay: **so could any other person. so could a human. so could a duck. ur not special boo.

**ours:** fight me

**suck my gay:** ur not a country anymore, fighting you will be kinda difficult :/

**Bitch Boy: **aight im done. no more. my poor eyes. bye felicia.

_Bitch Boy is offline!_

**gamer girl bathwater:** this is really funny to watch

**ours**: oh? why is that, girlie?

**gamer girl bathwater:** first off: (ง'̀-'́)ง lets frickin go old man

**gamer girl bathwater:** second of all: its funny bc i know ur little secret. ur raging homo little secret.

**ours:** check your twitter

**gamer girl bathwater: **.

**gamer girl bathwater:** [Screenshot_337][Screenshot_338]

[A screenshot of the Twitter notifications page, with the most recent notification reading, "@USSR tagged you in a post: 3 am, 7/11 parking lot, boring, oregon, usa, bri..."]

[A screenshot of a cropped Twitter post. "3 am, 7/11 parking lot, boring, oregon, usa, bring your battle axe and a box of matches, be fully prepared to meet god face-to-face."]

**ours: **i meant what i said and i said what i meant. the next flight from tokyo to oregon leaves in an hour. i'm already on my way, be there or be square.

**suck my gay:** please never say "be there or be square" again.

**ours**: be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be there or be square be

**suck my gay:** [crying-boy-with-a-gun.png]

**gamer girl bathwater: **why would you be crying if u had to shoot him hm?

**suck my gay:** because the options in my character creation screen when god was letting me pick said "be gay do crime" or "be gay do necromancy" so OBVIOUSLY i went for necromancy but now magic is like. illegal or whatever. so now i cry whenever i try to do crime

**gamer girl bathwater:** kjdfjshfjksdfshg


	7. Chapter 7

Twitter

**Hammer and ****Dickle** {√}  
@USSR

@Japan 3 am, 7/11 parking lot, boring, oregon, usa, bring your battle axe and a box of matches, be fully prepared to meet god face-to-face.

**Viewing Comments:**

**neeneepapa** ** @** **oksweaty**

@USSR the owner of this account: *brandon rogers voice* Donovan! Meet me on my island at 5 O'clock. Pack my battleaxe and my poetry and be prepared to abandon your religion.

**ugh @** **lordie**

@USSR okay but why tf did they pick boring oregon of all places.

**sit on my face @** **lickmybaugette** ****

@USSR vibe check

**Furry @Japan**

@USSR why do i need matches. also if ur not actually there and i just spent money on a plane ticket i stg im going break your teeth

[Image: A crisp picture of the clouds and deep twilight sky outside of a plane window.]  
│  
│ **Hammer and ****Dickle**** @USSR **  
│@Japan you need matches because we're going to set our weapons on fire like civilized people. im bringing the gasoline. meri is gonna spectate. also.

[Image: A slightly blurry image- The photographer was clearly laughing- of a man in a heavy winter coat squatting underneath a "Welcome to Boring, Oregon" sign. His skin is bright red, and an eyepatch with a hammer and sickle is over his right eye. His hand is below his waist, making an "Okay" sign.]  
│  
│ **Furry @Japan **  
│@USSR I don't trust him to spectate. he'll probably be biased towards you, smh.  
│  
│ **Homosexual ****Homosapien**** @America **  
│@Japan girl no. beat his ass please and thank u.  
  
  
  


**Furry** {√}  
@Japan

they didn't let me bring my battleaxe on the plane smh. anyone know of any... like... battle axe stores in oregon,,, or,,,,

**Viewing Comments**

**errebody** ** @** **rockyobody** ****

@Japan i gotchu fam. there's a store in kelso (near boring) that sells antique weapons and junk. im sure there's a battle axe in there somewhere  
│  
│ **Furry @Japan**  
│@rockyobody there better be. im coming for you if there isnt  
│  
│ **errebody**** @****rockyobody**  
│@Japan gay fear  
  
  
  


**Someone Please Snipe Me** {√}  
@Germany

In honor of my friend @Japan going to fight one of my least favorite people in the world, I have opted to pressure her into live-streaming her Totally Radical Super Cool™ Fight on Twitch. Uhhhh here's a link I guess: Link

**Viewing Comments**

**Furry @Japan**

@Germany "pressure" is right. little rat said he'd send his boyfriend after me if i didn't do what i wanted. i would like to keep my ankles, so i complied.  
│  
│ **Kurwa**** @Poland**  
│@Japan I hate you too boo xoxo

**Furry** {√}  
@Japan

insert funny text here

[Images: The first image is of the "Welcome to Boring, Oregon" sign. The second image is off a pair of black sneakers kicking a pair of footprints in the dirt underneath the sign. The third image is of a woman in a full black outfit -Black shoes, black jeans, black hoodie, and black beanie- sitting on the ground in the same spot where the man from earlier was. Both middle fingers are straight up, though there is a wide grin on her face.]

~~~~~~~~~

[A Twitch stream comes to life. On the screen, a pair of black-sneaker-covered feet is quickly striding down a paved road. "Kon'nichiwa," A high-pitched voice begins, "And welcome to... Hell." The camera flicks upwards sharply, showing a neon-lit 7/11 gas station, sharply outlined against the pitch-black night sky. There are only two cars in the parking lot. One is a dirty red convertible Jeep in the employee's area; The other is a nondescript black car with the headlights still on and the engine still running.

The camera flips views. We're now met with a worm's-eye view of a snowy white face with a single red circle in the center. Bright yellow eyes sparkle with mirth as the woman fights back a grin. "So, for anyone who isn't aware, here's a summary of what's about to go down. My name is Japan, I'm an anthropomorphic country, and I'm about to absolutely destroy one of my fellow nations. Well, he's not a nation _anymore_, but still. He called me a name in the group chat, so I called him _Old Man_, so he took the obvious route and challenged me to a duel in a 7/11 parking lot. Ya'know, like you do."

Japan shakes her head and giggles. "Also, thank you oh so very much, Twitter user "rockyobody", for informing me of the antique weaponry shop in Kelso. They did indeed carry battle-axes." To punctuate her statement, Japan reaches over her shoulder and lifts the weapon attached to her back out of its holder by a few inches. "I have dubbed my newfound traveling companion Jerry, and he will take many a life in his time on this Earth."

A new voice cuts through the autumn air, strong and deep. "Did you bring the matches, девочка?" They demand. Japan changes the camera once again. Leaning against the black car are two men- One is short and chunky, with round cheeks and long, fluffy hair. 7 red stripes and 6 white, broken only by a square of blue dotted with stars, are emblazed on his face. A white hoodie with the words _Designated Peacekeeper_ is quickly thrown onto him when he sees Japan approach. He flashes her a smile and raises one hand in a wave.

The other man is incredibly tall, almost unnaturally so. A long, military green winter coat hangs loosely from his body- It obviously used to fit him a lot better, maybe when he was wider, or more muscular. His face is scarred and weather-beaten, a leather eyepatch over his right eye. A hammer and sickle, golden and gleaming, sits neatly in the center of the leather. A fluffy brown ushanka is slightly lopsided on his head.

"Well?" He questions. He was the one who spoke before; A harsh accent cuts through his words.

Japan responds by raising a small box of matches in front of the camera. "I gotch'yo damn matches, 老人." She snarks back. The taller man raises a single eyebrow and pushes himself off of the car. "'Meri, pop the trunk," He demands. 'Meri', looking taken aback, steps away from the car and crosses his arm. "Do it'cha self, ya lazy bastard."

Despite the insults, his companion gives him a warm smile and slips around the back of the car. Japan joins them in the parking lot before he comes back around. "So, Ame, he really managed to rope you into moderating this?" She gestures to his hoodie. He chuckles light-heartedly and nods. "Yeah. You wouldn't believe the things he told me when I originally declined."

Japan snorts. "I can believe a lot of things, America."

"At first it was the regular bouts of loving insults, but then it dissolved into really weird nicknames."

"Like?"

"Like 'My little biscuit and gravy'."

"...What?"

America just laughs and waves away the question. "What's taking you so long, sugah?" He drawls, twisting at an odd angle to lean back and glance at the trunk of the car. There's a moment of silence before the man he's addressing mutters, "My... weapon... maybe a bit stuck."

Japan and America both giggle to each other for a few heartbeats before America cooes, "Does this mean we're going home, dear?" The slightly angry response is immediate. "Absolutely _not, дорогой_," The man spits, appearing at Japan's shoulder. "'Proper edicit', as you so often say, dictates that, as the man who called for the duel, I am not allowed to back out, even if my sword is stuck in the trunk."

"You made me bring a whole fuckin' axe when you get a _sword_? Sov, my good man, you are an _ass_."

'Sov' chortles and pats Japan on the head. "Such is life, девочка. You would have an unfair advantage if I let you bring what you wanted. You have no experience with a battle-axe; I have no experience with a sword. It is therefore a fair fight." He ruffles her hair a bit before turning back to America. "In all seriousness, the sword is probably tearing up the fabric on the inside of your trunk." He announces. America swears in a few different languages as he sprints to the other end of his car.

There's a small chime as the door to the 7/11 opens. A pimple-faced teenager peeks his head out. "Hey, uhm- I have no idea what's happening right now, but, uh... I don't think you guys are allowed to have weapons on the property." He nods towards America, who's struggling to rip the sword of out the spot where it's lodged itself in his trunk.

Japan quirks a brow and crosses her arms. Her phone goes a bit lopsided as she does so. "Oh?" Is all she says. She could possibly look intimidating, but the effect, evidently, isn't very strong, as the teen gives her an unamused look. "Yeah. I could _possibly _over-look that fact if you guys were to, like... scare away any customers who try to approach for a little bit, though..." He trails off and slips back inside the store. Japan scoffs. "Rude."

There's a loud yell of "_Fuck!_" from the next to where America should be- He's currently on the ground, a sword in his lap. "You're paying for the repairs to my poor car," He snaps, gesturing to the bits of fabric stuck to the sword's blade. Sov's face softens a bit. "I was planning on doing just that," He remarks, moving to help America to his feet. The Westerner blows a bit of hair out of his face once he's on his feet. "This had better be worth it."

"Oh, it will be," Sov says, the steely look returning to him. He picks up the blade clumsily and holds it with clear inexperience. America sighs softly and squeezes his eyes shut for just a moment. "God, this is gonna be hard to watch. You can't even hold the sword right." 

Sov looks confused. "There's a wrong way to hold a sword?"

"There's a wrong way to do everything, hon."

Japan grins with a sickly-sweetness and sets her phone onto a newspaper box, positioning it to take in the whole parking lot. She steps onto the far right, Sov standing opposite her on the other side. America scurries over to in-between the gas pumps, a chunk of fabric tied to a stick clutched in his hand. "Alright, I want to see a fuckin' _dirty_ fight," He begins, looking first at Japan, then at Sov. "Frickin' bite each other if you have to. I want to see some blood. Japan, you marked your stream as mature, right?"

"Uh..."

"Dumbass, go do that."

Japan reluctantly complies, marching over to her phone. "Alright, I'm gonna stop the stream and start up a new one marked mature. If you want to watch the actual fight, you'll need to go to that one. See you in a few seconds, lads."

The stream ends]

[A new stream opens up on the parking lot again. Japan is back in her original spot, standing rather cockily, her arms crossed behind her back, her spine straight, slightly tip-toed. America clears his throat. "Alright, like I said earlier- Dirty fight. Nothing is illegal, aside from injuring anyone or anything that isn't your opponent. That includes me, the 7/11 worker, an animal that passes by, a gas pump, a tire on a car, _anything_."

"Fighters, get ready."

Japan suddenly smirks and slips the battle-axe into her hands with ease. "It was bold of you to assume I had no experience with a battle-axe before, Sov." She comments, getting into an offensive stance. Sov goes slack for a moment before resuming his own way of standing with renewed vigor. "...This is fine," He mutters distractedly. Japan's grin only widens.

"And... Go!"

America flicks his flag down, and the fight begins. Japan shoots forward first, swinging in a downward slope towards Sov's legs. Sov jumps backward and jolts his arms into action, barely managing to block Japan's next move. He starts to loudly swear to himself as he continued to struggle to go on the defensive, cursing himself, the ground, the sky, Japan, and even America. "_Сукин сын_!" He yelps as Japan spins on her heel, around him, and cuts through the fabric of his coat, through to his thigh. The green starts to turn red as the wound begins to bleed.

Sov just shrugs off the coat and tosses it aside. Underneath, he's wearing a black turtleneck and dark grey jeans, as well as black leather boots that stop just below his knees. America lets out a low whistle.

Japan laughs a bit and starts to jog backwards, towards her original spot. "Bad move, 老人," She snarks. Sov growls a bit and bolts after her. She slips past each of his swings like sand through someone's fingers, leading him in a circle before booking it back towards America's car. The Westerner yelps in fear for his vehicle, but Japan emerges from behind it not a moment later, a jug of gasoline in her hands. She runs away from the parking lot and out into the darkness.

"Мошенника!" Sov yells, coming to a stop. He stands there for a moment, panting, before a bright flash from the opposite end of the parking lot has him spinning and raising his sword in defense. Japan appears in the black, her weapon now (quite literally) dripping with flames as she spits on a match and puts it out. "Let's get this party _started_," She hisses, hefting her axe. The flaming gasoline seems to not affect her as she grips the blazing handle and charges at Sov.

Her opponent stumbles in an attempt to get away, cursing in an odd mix of English, Russian, and, occasionally, Chinese, almost dropping his weapon with how quickly he's attempting to block her attacks.

"Y'know," Japan chokes out, beads of sweat running down her skin, causing her hair to stick to the back of her neck, "I'm glad I put my phone on silent beforehand. If- If it was on vibrate, I can imagine it would have vibrated off of the stand by now."She finishes her sentence with a grunt and her axe makes contact with Sov's arm, causing the man to let out a small noise of pain. Japan wretches herself back, tripping over her own feet from the weight of the weapon. "Fuck, fuck, _fuck_," Sov mutters, clutching at his arm in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Japan smirks. "Had enough?"

"You wish, Potter," America chuckles to himself.

"What is this, a porno?" Sov spits.

Japan starts to giggle as she momentarily drops her axe. "_God_, this is tiring, I haven't fought anyone in a _while_."

Sov makes an attempt to lift his sword, but gasps as his wounded arm seizes up. "_Shit,_ Japan- Okay. We're both tired. I'm bleeding out of my ass and my arm. Are- Will you hold it against me if I... Surrender, I suppose? I'm far too old and sick for this."

Japan stands in silence for a few seconds before sighing heavily and nodding. She plops down onto the ground rather suddenly, squeezing her eyes shut. "I won't hold it against you."

"Good," Sov grunts, sitting down as well. America pauses before letting out a long, dramatic groan and waving his flag. "Fight's over, I _suppose_," He whines, marching over to Sov. "That was anti-climactic as balls," He mutters as soon as he's close enough to his friend. Sov nods distractedly. "Indeed it was. Be glad she didn't kill me- Then you'd have to explain a dead body to the poor boy in the store."

"Oh yeah. I forgot about him."

"Hah, same."

The rest of the stream passes in relative silence as Japan sits on the pavement to rest. America is bandaging Sov's arm, muttering insults as well as cutesy nicknames as he does so. After around ten or so minutes of mostly nothing, Japan slides her gaze over to her phone, makes a small noise of surprise, hauls herself to her feet, strides over, and ends the stream.]


	8. Chapter 8

Group Chat

**Bitch Boy: **Belarus just said "The quickest way to a man's heart is through the fourth and fifth ribs" before smiling at me and now im afraid for my life

**ours:** thats my girl

**gamer girl bathwater:** ngl bro i kinda want bela to step on my and like,,, spit on my face and call me weak.

**i am inevitable:** hghjfhghkf honestly same.

**i am inevitable:** if she did that id probably stare at her in silence for a few minutes and then ask if she wanted anything else

**ours: **thats... thats still my daughter. and you lot are talking about her right in front of me.

**gamer girl bathwater:** and? i won the duel, fool, you can't do shit to stop me

**ours:** you liar. you said you wouldn't hold it over my head

**i am inevitable:** (thomas sanders voice) HE LIED

**gamer girl bathwater:** hey russia

**gamer girl bathwater:** russia

**gamer girl bathwater:** russia russia russia russia russia russia russia

**Bitch Boy:** fucking what

**gamer girl bathwater:** is belarus single

**Bitch Boy:** I think so???

**Bitch Boy:** hoe aren't you dating south korea???

**gamer girl bathwater:** AND????

**i am inevitable:** honestly bro i wouldn't blame her if she left me for belarus.

**gamer girl bathwater:** bold of you to assume i was asking for that reason instead of "hm i wonder if she'd be up for a threesome"

**ours:** OH MY GOD????? CAN YOU POSSIBLY NOT????

**Bitch Boy:** i-

**Bitch Boy:** .......................................

**gamer girl bathwater:** hrm? something wrong?

**Bitch Boy: **......she said she'd be down.

**gamer girl bathwater: **SOUTH SOUTH SOUTHT PSITOSTUH OSutH OH MY GOD

**i am inevitable:** HJSFKDJSFKHSGJSDF BRUH

**gamer girl bathwater:** [Screenshot_354]

[Image: It's a cropped screenshot of a text message notification. "Hot Psycho Lady: Expect me by around sev....]

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GIDM OGMDY OM

**i am inevitable:** BROO DID SHE SEND U THE OTHER THING TOO??

**gamer girl bathwater:** WHAT OTHER THING

**gamer girl bathwater:** wait

**gamer girl bathwater:** BRUHHHHHHHHHHHH

**ours: **what did my daughter do. please im actually semi scared right now what did she do.

**gamer girl bathwater:** [Screenshot_356]

[Image: It's a screenshot of a text message with the area surrounding the message being blacked out by a quick, sloppy pen, probably from a drawing program. The message reads: "I know my Father is asking about me. Tell him. I have no qualms. In fact, I'd love if you could send me screenshot of his response."]

**gamer girl bathwater:** bruh she sent three different nudes

**i am inevitable:** i wonder if they were the same three for both of us or if they were different

**ours:** hey so if you could excuse me, im going to scream for a little bit.

**ours:** and then probably throw myself straight off of the roof.

**ours:** just... yeet.

**gamer girl bathwater:** hjshsdfj she said to do it coward

**ours:** after that response? gladly.

**i am inevitable:** well we don't know if she meant 7 her time or 7 our time so. we're gonna go ahead and leave. get ready if you know what i mean.

**Bitch Boy: **please stop. i can hear her muttering about which........OUTFIT....... she looks better in. i might just join my father in hurling myself into the abyss.

**i am inevitable:** oh? what sort of clothing?

**i am inevitable:** im.

**i am inevitable:** nevermind. she sent pictures.

**Bitch Boy: **PLEASE shut up

**i am inevitable:** only if belarus tells me to.

**Bitch Boy:** i can't even believe this is happening. i regret being born

**ours:**i know you hate it when i say this but: same. i regret being born as well.

**gamer girl bathwater:** hold on yall

_gamer girl bathwater has changed their name to Bela's Bathwater!_

**ours:** bye

_ours is offline!_

**Bitch Boy: **he's got the right idea.

_Bitch Boy is offline!_

**Bela's Bathwater:** yknow south, we should probably do the same.

**i am inevitable:** hhjkhjdhf yeah. sure hope north doesnt need me for anything, because if belarus's texts are to be trusted, im not gonna be leaving japan for the next few days.

_i am inevitable and Bela's Bathwater are offline!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea what i just wrote. I guess this is A Thing now.


	9. Chapter 9

Group Chat

**The Bomb: ** GOD existence is so stupid

**makin pancakes:** oh no

**The Bomb:** I hate everything and everyone. There is nothing good left in this world.

**makin pancakes:** Everything, huh?

**The Bomb:** Except for you.

**makin pancakes:** ok ngl that's cute as heck but like. who hurt you.

**The Bomb:** South thought he could just ditch his responsibilities to go have a fuckin orgy with Japan and Belarus

**makin pancakes:** oh yeah.... kinda forgot that happened tbh

**The Bomb:** yeah, i probably would have forgotten about it too, had it not meant that I'M the one who has to do all of his work

**makin pancakes:** do you, like.... want some help??

**The Bomb:** it's in korean, i doubt you could even read it, no offence

**makin pancakes:** yeah okay. none taken.

**The Bomb:** im just really mad about this shit. like.... at least a warning would have been nice?

**makin pancakes:** i get it, i really do. Meri does it a lot, actually, and then I have to do all of his work as well as mine.

**makin pancakes:** let me tell you, World Superpower work is NOT fun

**The Bomb:** yeah.

**makin pancakes:** SORRY SORRY IM SORRY

**The Bomb:** ????????

**makin pancakes:** im sorry i started to make things all about me sorry

**The Bomb:** it's okay, i didn't even really pay attention to that, I was just glad to have something to think about other than being angry at South

**makin pancakes:** dms?

**The Bomb:** dms.

  
  


Group Chat

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** sorry i was gone for so long, i had a bunch of paperwork to do. anything interesting happen while I was away?

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** hello?

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** @Bela's Bathwater ????????

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** hold on why is her name different

**makin pancakes:** Sorry bro i had my phone off

**makin pancakes:** so, to recap:

**makin pancakes:** belarus said something semi threatening and japan and south started being Horny On Main for her. the sov. and russia both started to be reasonably disgusted by this. neither of the asians cared. then japan asked if bela was single- the answer WAS yes- then south said "lol tryna cheat bro?" and japan said "nah fam i was thinkin orgy" and russia ended up telling Belarus about it so Belarus texted both South and Japan (1/2)

**makin pancakes:** to "expect her by 7" and then sent them nudes and shit. the sov. and russia contemplated suicide. then japan and south both mcfreaking left to get ready (and, in south's case, to go to Tokyo). north got (reasonably) angry over the fact that south just up and left. the end (2/2)

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** bruh

**makin pancakes:** honestly i think that sums it up pretty well

_ suck my gay is online! _

**suck my gay:** CANADA

**makin pancakes:** oh no

**suck my gay:** ITS 1 IN THE MORNING GO TO B E D

**makin pancakes:** if ur so mad about it why aren't u asleep hm?

**suck my gay:** U FUCKERS WOKE ME UP WITH THE TEXTINGS AND WHATSITS

**makin pancakes:** really showing your age there meri

**suck my gay:** dONT CHANGE THE SUBJECT

**suck my gay:** IF I GET ONE MORE NOTIFICATION THAT HAS YOUR NAME OR NUMBER ON IT I SWEAR ON SWEET BABY JESUS THAT I WILL HAUL MY FAT SELF UP TO CANADA AND BEAT YOU UNTIL YOU FALL UNCONCIOUS AND ARE FORCED TO SLEEP

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** honestly nada i’d listen to him, he once killed me to make me go to sleep because knocking me out doesnt last for very long

**makin pancakes: ** I’m not going to go to sleep, America.

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** oh shit

**makin pancakes:** My best friend is trying to figure out his emotions and everyone he cares about is either out of country or asleep. I’m not gonna just abandon him because YOU’RE pissy because YOU got woken up. Go back to sleep and, hopefully, you’ll be more rational in the morning.

**suck my gay:** Jeez nada, all you had to say was that you were sexting north.

**makin pancakes:** I’m not, America, that’s the fucking point. I’m actually trying to be a decent human being, unlike SOME countries I could name.

**makin pancakes:** oh no

**makin pancakes:** Meri, that wasn’t what I meant to say

**suck my gay:** It obviously was. You wouldn’t have said it if you hadn’t been thinking it in the first place, huh?

**suck my gay:** I’m just trying to be a decent brother.

**suck my gay:** goodnight.

_ suck my gay is offline! _

**makin pancakes:** Meri

**makin pancakes:** America

**makin pancakes:** Ame

**makin pancakes:** @suck my gay

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** even if he is still awake, i don’t think he’s gonna answer, canada.

**makin pancakes:** it’s still worth a shot!

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** you should probably go back to talking to north, i’ll try and talk to meri.

**makin pancakes:** okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jhsakdfjsdfjh that really wasn’t where i thought this was gonna go im just winging it (actually, i’ve just been “winging it” this whole time)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the art that I use in this chapter belongs to caseykeshui, by the way. i also left Germany's boss unnamed and ungendered bc i dont know who it is atm and i dont want to know, as id feel weird writing about Real People™

Group Chat

**kurwa:** hjdskfjsdfh everyone here is just a gotdamn mess huh

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** poland please they're all emotionally unstable

**kurwa:** and? so are you

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** MAYBE

**The Bomb:** could yall maybe shut

**kurwa:** you saying "yall" was singlehandedly the most cursed thing in existence. i hate that so much. PLEASE never say yall again

**The Bomb:** yalldve

**kurwa:** 🔫

**kurwa:** I will LITERALLY crazy murder you.

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** please id like to think he'd want to keep his kneecaps alive and intact

**kurwa:**

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** ksljadklhjf SURE JAN

**The Bomb:** i dont. i dont get it

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** its okay bby u werent expected to

**kurwa:** thats cause its a vine and u banned the internet, nerd

**The Bomb:** 🔫

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** hejehejhejhehejhejeh i just realized i still have admin privileges

**kurwa:** oh god oh fucj

_99bottlesofantideppressants has changed The Bomb's name to Secretly Canadian!_

**kurwa:** HJSFHLKADFHJKSD

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** :)

**Secretly Canadian:** U LITTLE RAT

**Secretly Canadian:** ITS TIME TO STOP

**Secretly Canadian:** [Video_03]

[Video: It's a blurry phone-recorded video of North jolting out of bed and sliding across the hardwood floors of his home (with socks, of course). He then throws open a hallway closet to reveal an odd assortment of weaponry. North immediately snatches up a baseball bat, haphazardly closes the door, and storms down the stairs to the front entrance of the house. The video ends with him running across the fresh snow in nothing but pajamas- Though the camera can only catch his rapid footsteps across the white blanket.]

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** OH

**kurwa:** BIG RIP

_99bottlesofantideppressants has changed their name to Miss Kesha!_

**Miss Kesha:** remember me when I'm gone. im currently omw to tell my boss goodbye.

**kurwa:** ill always remember you boo

**Miss Kesha:**

_ours is online!_

**ours:** hey would any of you bastard gremlins like to explain why I just got out of the shower to see that I have one new voicemail

**ours: **and that voicemail consists of North saying "Sorry, our dinner plans for tonight have to be cancelled, I'm currently on my way to bash Germany's skull in. Maybe next week? Or not. Poland might just bust my kneecaps, ooh whoopty doo whoppty doo."

**Miss Kesha:** i changed north's name to Secretly Canadian and now he's coming to kill me. 

**kurwa:**

**kurwa:** thaste it. i cannot change this.

**Miss Kesha:** I MEAN-

**Miss Kesha:** okay im at my boss's office now ill record it so u have something to remember me by

**kurwa:** i have plenty to remember u by. like the ribbon thats in my hair that came from that one time you strangled a goose.

**Miss Kesha:** he was a very mean goose. You wear that goose strangler with PRIDE

**kurwa:** YEEHAW

_Miss Kesha is offline!_

**ours:** he strangled a goose? may i hear the story?

**kurwa:** only because i really like telling this story

**kurwa:** OKAY SO we were having a nice, romantic picnic in the park. there was a little girl with what we have to assume were her grandparents, bc this girl was like 5 and the older people were like 60. (1/9)

**kurwa:** the little girl saw a bunch of ducks and geese over in the water and started jumping down and saying "BREAD! BREAD! BREAD!" over and over again. me and germs had a bunch of left over food from our picnic so we grabbed some bread slices and made our way over. (2/9)

**kurwa:** now, the geese were already mad because the ducks kept stealing all the attention because geese are notoriously mean. so when the geese saw us approaching they yote themselves out of the water and charged at us the Get This Bread™. (3/9)

**kurwa: **me and germs stood there and waited for the geese to approach bc we misinterpreted their attack as excitement. the grandparents grabbed the little girl and moved out of the way bc they weren't stupid and knew what was up. (4/9)

**kurwa:** the lead goose? i guess? the biggest and manliest of the bunch. he shot forwards and snatched one piece of bread right out of my hands and bit me in the process. now, that obviously hurt, bc OW, so i dropped the bread to hold my hands together and out of mean goose reach. (5/9)

**kurwa:** the geese took this as weakness and began their assault. they started to bite anything they could reach. toes, ankles, fingers, hands, knees, legs, arms, anything. The Big Bad Goose flapped his wings and stretched his neck and started to bite my face and pull my hair. here's where the fun started. (6/9)

**kurwa:** some.... animalistic insticnt took over in germs and he started to just. Throw Hands with this goose. Like straight up brawling a whole live goose. He took the ribbon out of my hair and started to choke the goose. by this point we had attracted a crowd, so obv. the park rangers and junk were not happy with germs's methods. (7/9)

**kurwa:** unfortunatly, germs got a little too into it and might have used a little bit of that Country Strength™. he Literally Crazy Murdered the goose. the goose literally died because germs strangled him with a ribbon. (8/9)

**kurwa:** we are no longer allowed in that park. (9/9)

**ours:** oh my god.

**ours:** will you get mad at me if i say "i helped raise him so well"

**kurwa:** honestly? no i wont. we blame that entire incident on your methods of raising a kid smh.

**Miss Kesha:** Hello. I have succeeded in killing Germany. He told me to send this video to you after he died. [Video_69]

[Video: We start off in front of two wide oak doors with shiny golden handles. Germany's hand reaches out from behind the camera to knock on them. There are a few seconds of silence before a security officer throws open the door. "Yes- Oh. Sir, it's Germany." The officer starts off wary, but quickly relaxes when they see who knocked. They step aside to let Germany inside.

"Ah, Germany. Hello. I hope you don't mind if I cut through the small talk and ask what you're doing here? I have quite a bit of work on my hands..." Germany's boss speaks, gesturing to the stacks of paperwork and brightly-lit computer sitting on his desk. Germany, presumably, nods and says, "Well, to make things simple... You know how countries can die and come back to life, correct?"

Germany's boss, looking confused, nods. "Yes...?"

"I'm going to die."

Now startled, Germany's boss starts to rise from their seat. "From what? Or, rather, from _whom_?" They sound angry as they make their way around the desk. Germany laughs a bit. "Nothing serious, Mx., but North Korea is currently on his way to... ah, what was it he said?" Germany pauses to think, ignoring his leader's slightly horrified face. "That's right. 'Bash my skull in'. Again, nothing serious, but I figured you might want to know, so that you don't, you know, declare war or anything."

Germany flashes his leader a thumbs up before spinning on his heel and striding out of the office, ignoring his boss's (rather undignified) sputtering.]

**kurwa:** miss kesha.... MISS KESHA???? oh my fuckin god, she fuckin dead.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anything in [brackets] is something that WOULD be in a different language had I any trust in Google Translate. So if something says "France: [Suck my balls you damn potato eater]", then that means "Suck my balls you damn potato eater" would be in French :)

Twitter

**Bathing In Syrup {√}**

**@Canada**

@The_Better_Korea Will u do me a favor? S'il vous plaît?

**Viewing Comments**

**:/ @The_Better_Korea**

@Canada i would literally die for you yes i'll do you a favor

│

│ **Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

│ @The_Better_Korea dawww that's sweet. but also not a good enough answer. u have to be 1000% sure before i tell u what the favor is

│

│** :/ @The_Better_Korea**

│@Canada i just admited to being willing to give my life in exchange for yours and you know i value my life more than (almost) anything in this world. tell me what it is or i swear-

│

│ **Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

│@The_Better_Korea okay. im gonna need you to protect me

│

│ **:/ @The_Better_Korea**

│@Canada who needs to Pwepawe To Pewish

│

│** Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

**│**@The_Better_Koreanever say that again and i will pay you actual Real Life Money. also it's ur like... damn man idek what he is. ur adoptive dad???? father figure??? parental influence??? weird uncle???

│

│ **:/ @The_Better_Korea**

│@Canada what

│

│ **Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

**│**@The_Better_Korea the former soviet union

│

│** :/ @The_Better_Korea**

│@Canada oh him. i GUESS you could say father figure?? we're definitely on better terms now that he's like. not a country anymore and stuff. anywho continue?

│

│ **Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

**│**@The_Better_Korea yeah thaste who you need to protect me against. him. hes being mean to me because i maybe possibly kinda sorta tried to burn down his house??

│

│ **:/ @The_Better_Korea**

**│**@Canada i normally dont say this but. what the fuck.

│

│ **Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

│@The_Better_Korea yeah uh. so basically he """"Spent The Night"""" at Ame's house and then came w/ him to my house and like. ATE ALL MY FUCKIN FOOD. and then refused to atone for his sins. so we argued a lot and i may have set his house on fire.

│

│ **:/ @The_Better_Korea**

│@Canada why do you do the things you do.

│

│ **Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

**│**@The_Better_KoreaARSON IS HOW I COPE WITH FIGHTING OKAY

**:/ {√}**

**@The_Better_Korea**

@Canada [Imagine using arson as a coping mechanism (This post was written by the Regular Functioning Humans Gang).]

**Viewing Comments**

**Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

@The_Better_Korea i have no idea what this says but, regardless, you are a ho

│

│ **:/ @The_Better_Korea**

│ @Canada why dont u find a better coping mechanism you gremlin

│

│ **Bathing in Syrup @Canada**

│@The_Better_Korea "u gremlin" he says, despite the fact that I am, quite literally, over 500 years older than him.

│

│ **:/ @The_Better_Korea**

│ @Canada you are HOW OLD NOW??

│

│ **Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

│ @The_Better_Korea honestly bro that was a guestimate. im just really old compared to most of the countries. i mean yeah there are some like my dad and prussia and france and spain and stuff but. compared to YOUNG'NS like u and japan and russia and stuff. im old

**:/ {√}**

**@The_Better_Korea**

[I suppose I am attracted to older men now]. :/

**Viewing Comments**

**hjehjehje @suckball**

[uhm??? ew????]

**keyboard smashes are gay @klsjdfheiwkjf**

[kinda nasty bro, ngl]

**Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

Translation anyone?

│

│ **hjehjehje @suckball**

│ @Canada it says, roughly, "I guess I'm attracted to older dudes now" but like. with good grammar. because obv this guy is a nerd.

│

│ **Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

│ @suckball "Nerd" is an understatement. thanks tho. also its not as nasty as it might sound, im just older than him so hes being overdramatic as always

│

│ **:/ @The_Better_Korea**

│ @Canada @suckball wow just. just announce it to the whole world huh.

│

│ **Bathing In Syrup @Canada**

│ @suckball @The_Better_Korea that wasn't announcing it to the whole world. THIS is.

**Bathing In Syrup {√}**

**@Canada**

@The_Better_Korea @Better_Than_The_Better_Korea @America @Japan @Germany @Poland @USSR @Russia @united_narcisissts @european_fuckalls @asean_sounds_like_asian_oh_my_god @north_atlantic_threesome_organization NORTH IS MY CUTE BOYF AND I LOAF HIM

**:/ {√}**

**@The_Better_Korea**

oh my god.


	12. Chapter 12

**Secretly Canadian:** weather update: currently contemplating suicide  
  


**makin pancakes:** ima be real with you chief, i don't regret making that post, pr be damned  
  


**Secretly Canadian:** well i certainly regret some things

**Secretly Canadian:** @ours you know how u always said "i brought you into this world i can take you out of it"?  
  


**ours:** i remember, why?  
  


**Secretly Canadian:** take me out of it.

**Secretly Canadian:** also, can someone please change my name?  
  


**makin pancakes:** yeah sure bro  
  


_makin pancakes has changed Secretly Canadian's name to cries during sex!_   
  


**cries during sex:** FUCK YOU  
  


_cries during sex has changed their name to Bustin Jeiber!_   
  


**makin pancakes:** LOW BLOW  
  


**Bustin Jeiber:** Thaste the point. I cannot change this.  
  


_Bustin Jeiber has changed makin pancakes's name to Adventure Time Ended Get Over Yourself.!_   
  


**Adventure Time Ended Get Over Yourself.:** actually bitch they're making four more specials on HBO  
  


_Adventure Time Ended Get Over Yourself. has changed Bustin Jieber's name to Daniel!_

_Adventure Time Ended Get Over Yourself. has changed their name to The Cooler Daniel!_   
  


**The Cooler Daniel: **:)  
  


**Daniel: **khlkshdafasdfj that was supposed to be me and South's next Twins™ thing

**Daniel:** it's a shame. he was gonna be The Cooler Daniel and everything.

**Daniel: **now our slowly improving sibling relationship has been ruined because of your spite. are you please with yourself?  
  


**The Cooler Daniel:** I don't know if ur kidding or not so  
  


_The Cooler Daniel has changed i am inevitable's name to The Cooler Daniel!_

_The Cooler Daniel has changed their name to Canada!_   
  


**Canada:** go ham on me. purge me of my mistakes. rectify my sins.  
  


**Daniel:** Bad move.  
  


_Daniel has changed Canada's name to canadian bacon isn't real bacon!_   
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:**

  
**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** I'm going to Vibe Check you so hard our grandkids are gonna feel it  
  


**ours:** "our grandkids" 👀

**ours: **ALSO can one of you two gremlins explain what the hell a vibe check is? japan keeps saying it to me and it's a little worrying.  
  


**Daniel: **u damp washcloth did u really just say OUR grandkids  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon: **yegh what about it?

**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** can we talk abt the fact that @ours has just been watching this conversation the whole time or

**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** like damn i thought he left a while ago  
  


**ours:** do NOT talk about it  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** yessir, anything else i can do for you sir?  
  


**ours:** explain what a vibe check is  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** a vibe check is when u,,, like,,, beat someone up i guess? it usually goes like "vibe check!" and then u deck someone across the face or something  
  


**Daniel:** when i went and killed Germany the other day I yelled Vibe Check

**Daniel:** let me tell you a thing German security officials do NOT mess around after witnessing a good old fashioned vibe check  
  


**ours:** okay but japan doesn't hit me when she says it????  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** either a) she's referring to Boring, or b) she's warning you in advance

**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** im scared why have you been typing for so long  
  


**ours: **oh

**ours:** well i was planning on using one of those emoji things and it took me a while to find the one i wanted but Ukraine yelled at me the last time i used one so i decided against it  
  


**Daniel:** ukraine was right please never try to use an emoji ever !  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** ^^^^^^^  
  


**ours:** Is that really the sort of thing you want to agree with, Canada?  
  


**Daniel:** oh god oh fucj  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** remember to play this at my funeral

**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:**

<https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ>

**Daniel:** @suckmygay come get yo man  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** No don't at him!!  
  


_suck my gay is online!_   
  


**suck my gay: **someone tell me what was so important they felt the need to @ me  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** Nothing its fine  
  


**Daniel: **get ur man, America

**Daniel:** he's bullying Canada  
  


**suck my gay: **does canada deserve it?  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** probably tbh  
  


**Daniel: **No!!  
  


**ours:** no he really doesn't deserve it to be honest with you  
  


**suck my gay:** who said probably?? (ง •̀_•́)ง  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** i'm canada  
  


**ours:** i thought this was countryhumans not hetalia  
  


**Daniel:** what  
  


**suck my gay:** bruh what  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** ???? (pewdiepie voice) what the fuck is that even supposed to mean  
  


**ours: **ANYWHO

**ours:** if canada wasn't fine with the things i say to him, he would say something, right @canadian bacon isn't real bacon?  
  


**Daniel:** he read that then turned his phone off im-

**Daniel:** Get fucked

**Daniel:** that wasnt me  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** who else could it have been?  
  


**Daniel:** touch my phone again and i will literally crazy murder you  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** :) i want to die anyways

**canadian bacon isn't real bacon: **Do it, pussy.  
  


**suck my gay: **KJSDHFIULHASKDFUJNDSF  
  


**ours:** sorry canada i gotta go murder your brother real quick he just did a spit take ON ME  
  


**suck my gay:**

** **

**ours:** GET BACK INSIDE THE HOUSE IT'S LIKE -3 DEGREES OUTSIDE

**ours:** AND THAT'S W I T H FAHRENHEIT  
  


**suck my gay:** read my nickname, sugar

**suck my gay:** read it and WEEP  
  


_canadian bacon isn't real bacon has changed suck my gay's name to North's Face!_   
  


**ours:** oh yeah i'm definatly weeping now  
  


**Daniel: **BRO?????  
  


**North's Face:** ew id really rather not  
  


_North's Face has changed their name to dummy thicc!_   
  


**ours: **DAMN STRAIGHT  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** yall NASTY  
  


**Daniel:**

**dummy thicc:** suck my gay is no more

**dummy thicc:** the end of an era  
  


**canadian bacon isn't real bacon:** F  
  


**ours:** f  
  


**Daniel:** F.  
  


**ours:** i feel left out now :/  
  


**dummy thicc:** ?  
  


**ours:** i'm the only one w/o a new nickname  
  


_canadian bacon isn't real bacon has changed ours's name to where are the fresh children for me to feast upon!_   
  


**where are the fresh children for me to feast upon:** that's a little too long

**where are the fresh children for me to feast upon:** KINDA LIKE THIS DI-  
  


**dummy thicc:** no more  
  


_dummy thicc has changed where are the fresh children for me to feast upon's name to Red Robin!_   
  


**dummy thicc:** yum~  
  


**Red Robin:** was that a communism joke or do you want Red Robin for dinner  
  


**dummy thicc:** ...yes.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the beginning of a semi-plotline that goes along with Chapter 5 (The Press Conference)! If you don't really like plotlines, I'll summarize it at the end! Have fun babes xoxo

**The UN ✓**

**@UN**

If you didn't manage to catch the latest press conference, it will be aired twice more on all available news programs and will be summarized tomorrow morning and afternoon on many a talk show, as well as having a transcripted version here and a downloadable version of the video here. The information released was very important to everyone around the globe, so be sure to watch or read it whenever possible if you haven't already!

**Viewing Comments**

**♡ @Karen1981**

I'm busy taking my kids to soccer practice, can anyone sum it up for me?

│

│  **Harpy @mythologyisgay**

│ Basically, the countries of the world have been… humanized. Organizations and unions as well. So, the UN? Yeah, he’s a dude now. Like. A whole dude. He’s also gay, apparently.

│

│**♡** **@Karen1981**

│ I highly doubt a UN representative would sin like that, dear. The UN is better than that! And besides, humanized countries makes no sense! How would something like that even work?

│

│  **Harpy @mythologyisgay**

│ 1.) He is gay, he said it at the press conference at the top of his lungs. 2.) I don’t know how it works, it just does.

│

│  **b...boys @united_narcissists**

│ Hello  @Karen1981 ! If you have any questions or comments, please, just look to the UN’s official website! Otherwise, please keep your bigoted comments to yourself!

│

│ **♡ @Karen1981**

│ Just who do you think you are?

│

│  **b...boys @united_narcissists**

│ Isn’t it obvious?

│

│  **lesser than colon three @european_fuckalls**

│ babe ur on side

│

│ ** The UN @UN**

│ Briefest apologies,  @Karen1981 . This is the account I meant to use. To answer your question, I am the anthropomorphic representation of the United Nations.

│

│  **The European Union @EU**

│ A country human, if you will.

  
  
  
  
  


**Fox News ✓**

**@FoxNews**

After a homophobic comment was left on an official UN post, the personification let their personal thoughts shine through. Read More:  https//:why-rurea-ding-this/news/article-stop-rea… 

  
  
  
  
  


https//:why-rurea-ding-this/news/article-stop-reading-the-link/9hjklw7.com

**UN PERSONIFICATION CRACKDOWN OF TWITTER USER’S COMMENT**

**By Katie Fauxname**

Earlier today, the official United Nations account on Twitter made a post explaining where to find information about their latest press conference regarding what people have taken to calling “Anthropomorphic Representations of Countries”, or, in layman’s terms, “Country Humans”. If you haven’t seen or read the transcripted press conference, there is a link for the  transcript and a  downloadable recording , as well as coverage from numerous news platforms and sources. If you do know what they are, you can continue on without confusion.

This morning, at around 9:30 am EST, Twitter User  **Karen1981** commented on the post, “I’m busy taking my kids to soccer practice, can anyone sum it up for me?”. User  **mythologyisgay** replied, “Basically, the countries of the world have been… humanized. Organizations and unions as well. So, the UN? Yeah, he’s a dude now. Like. A whole dude. He’s also gay, apparently.”. The original commenter didn’t take the final addition to the explanation very well, saying, “I highly doubt a UN representative would sin like that. The UN is better than that!”

This sounds like the common squabble over sexuality, but the response to her “it’s a sin!” tirade is what warrants an article.

After a rebuttal from  **mythologyisgay** , User  **united_narcissists** decided to join in, greeting  **Karen1981** politely before referring her to the official United Nations website for “questions or comments”. They then added, “Otherwise, please keep your bigoted comments to yourself!”, which seemed to be the breaking point for  **Karen1981** .

She demanded, “Just who do you think you are?” Now, if you haven’t already pieced together who is behind the account  **united_narcissists** , you’re going to be in for a surprise. The account replied, “Isn’t it obvious?”. They, apparently, thought they were on their main account, as User  **european_fuckalls** replied, “babe ur on side”. After that brief message,  **united_narcissists** switched to their main account, which just so happened to be the official United Nations account,  **UN** .

“Briefest apologies, @Karen1981. This is the account I meant to use. To answer your question, I am the anthropomorphic representation of the United Nations.” The UN account said. The official European Union account,  **EU** , added, “A country human, if you will.”

This entire exchange is rather worrying, we here at Fox News have all agreed. These “country humans” have referred to themselves as “representations” multiple times, yet it seems as if they aren’t actually  _ representing _ their respective countries and organizations very well. Their own beliefs and ideals seem to differ greatly from those of their people and governments. For example, at the end of the press conference three days ago, the Soviet Union’s personification was seated next to the representation of America, which was an odd choice in and of itself. However, after the press conference was over and the personifications were exiting the stage, many reporters have claimed to have seen the Soviet Union hit America on the shoulder. America let out a stream of words in another language that had the Soviet Union quite literally doubling over in laughter as the personification of Russia picked up his speed, red-faced and disturbed.

Given the results of America’s outburst, as well as quite a few multi-lingual reporters agreeing that the language was neither Spanish nor French, the two most common languages in the US after English, we have to wonder what he said that was enough to make Russia flush. Judging by the fact that there was no further retaliation from America’s end and the fact that the Soviet Union said hardly anything at the meeting (and what little he did say involved or was prompted by America), we have to wonder what sort of relationship the two have. It is clear it’s nothing influenced by their people, as the remnants of the Red Scare still linger on the minds of many Americans today.

The Soviet Union’s presence at the meeting raises another batch of questions, the most prominent of which being  _ How is he still alive _ ? The UN’s personification mentioned death early on in the press conference, so it’s clear the personifications can die. 

How is the Soviet Union still alive? 

Does his continued existence hint at something far more sinister?

Do the actions of countries influence their people, or is it the other way around?

We hope that these questions are answered, and soon.

**RELATED ARTICLES:**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so, if you don't like long stories and are just here for the funsies, here's a summary of this chapter. A TL;DR, if you will.
> 
> The UN's official Twitter makes a post about the press conference
> 
> Some lady named Karen asks for a summary bc she's on her way to soccer practice and has no time to read or listen to it
> 
> A random human answers and adds that the UN's personification is gay.
> 
> Karen gets Triggered™
> 
> The UN butts in on his side account
> 
> Karen gets even worse and asks "Who do you think you are?"
> 
> The UN snarks her before realizing he's on his side account- He then switches to main after prompting from the EU's side account
> 
> They gang up on Karen
> 
> Fox News makes an article on the exchange and asks a bunch of serious questions: 
> 
> How is the Soviet Union still alive?
> 
> Does his continued existence hint at something far more sinister?
> 
> Do the actions of countries influence their people, or is it the other way around?
> 
> and thaste it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case you’ve forgotten, here are the chat names-  
dummy thicc = America  
canadian bacon isn’t real bacon = Canada  
Red Robin = USSR  
99bottlesofantideppressants = Germany  
kurwa = Poland  
Daniel = NK  
The Cooler Daniel = SK  
Bela’s Bathwater = Japan

Group Chat

**dummy thicc:** @everyone

**dummy thicc:** This is important, say something if you’re online.

**Daniel:** Something

**canadian bacon isn’t real bacon:** No “fuck you” from Meri? Must be really bad

**Red Robin:** I’m online.

**kurwa:** im here, rus is w/ me, we were on our way to go drinking

**The Cooler Daniel:** hey y’all, we’re not doing anything important rn, you got us at a good time. what warranted an @/everyone

**The Cooler Daniel:** what does my name even mean

**Bela’s Bathwater:** yeah i’m here too

**dummy thicc:** Germany is with me. That’s everyone accounted for.

**dummy thicc:** Okay. To make a VERY long story short, Germany and I were messing around with the supernatural, specifically dabbling in Necromancy and the like.

**dummy thicc:** We… succeeded. Unfortunately.

**canadian bacon isn’t real bacon:** Which means…?

**dummy thicc:** It means some of the dissolved/deceased countries are now alive.

**Red Robin:** How did you manage to mess up this badly???

**Red Robin:** ...who’s back?

**dummy thicc:** My mother, Native America.

**dummy thicc:** The Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth.

**dummy thicc:** Ancient Rome and Ancient Greece.

**dummy thicc:** Katipunan.

**dummy thicc:** ...And the Third Reich of Germany.

_ dummy thicc has started a video call! Accept? _

[The call is accepted by everyone in the chat immediately, though not on each device. South’s with Japan and Belarus, all three of them staring at the phone anxiously. South’s shirtless, as is Japan, and Belarus is wearing a baggy shirt with Korean symbols. Nobody can find it in them to comment on Japan’s outright nudity.

North is with Canada, their shoulder brushing together as North rubs circles onto the back of Canada’s hand. Canada’s eyes are wide and dilated. North looks worried, but more so for Canada than anything else. He wasn’t really around to meet any of the countries America had mentioned.

Russia is with Poland, as was mentioned earlier; Poland is clearly struggling with a mix of apprehension, terror, and excitement, which is reasonable- His father is back, as is his old attacker. Russia is trying his best to look neutral and unfazed, but his lip is being worried none-too-inconspicuously between his teeth. 

The Soviet Union is by himself in his room, clearly half-dressed and freshly awoken. The jacket he threw over himself is a little bit too small with an American flag patch on its shoulder- Clearly, it’s America’s. The USSR doesn’t seem to notice this as he methodically clenches and unclenches his fist around the fabric.

America is sitting in an armchair everyone knows resides in his house- They’ve all sat down in that very same chair before. He’s holding his phone at an awkward angle as if he’s going to turn it any second. His hair is messy and awry, and there’s a bruise on the side of his face the same size and shape as a fist.

“Is everyone here?” He begins, skipping the formalities. A chorus of  _ Yes _ es in multiple languages answers his question. “Alright, good, I’m gonna turn the camera now, a’ight?” Without waiting for an answer, he fumbles his phone around for a moment before scowling and simply slipping it digitally.

Strewn across his furniture are 6 limp bodies. Two of the six are female, and which two they are is obvious; Neither’s articles of clothing cover very much. The first woman almost seems to be a regular human, with thick black hair and regularly-colored skin. Her clothes are natural colors, and thick clay beads adorn her necks and wrists. A colorful tattoo can be seen through the back of her clothes.

The other woman is immediately recognizable as Ancient Greece. Aside from the tell-tale flag, she’s wearing a heavily-creased chiton and a wine-red chunk of fabric hanging from her elbows, as well as a laurel wreath in her hair. A few flowers are dotted about her hair, miraculously undamaged.

It isn’t that hard to piece together who the final four are. The first man is wearing ancient armor, as if fresh out of a battle. His far is scarred, weather-beaten, and sunburned, but underneath all of the skin damage, it’s clear he used to be a very handsome man. Only a portion of his face is visible- he has it buried in a pillow- but the letters  _ SP _ are visible. This man is Ancient Rome.

The three aforementioned countries had all been on the couch. On the floor, next to Rome’s feet, a man has his head lolled back as he sleeps, a heavy fur coat draped over his shoulders and a plain crown about his head.

In the loveseat next to the couch, a man lays in an awkward position, the straw hat on his head slightly lopsided as he doses. A piece of red cloth is around his neck, looking eerily like a trail of blood at first glimpse.

The final man is one no-one wants to see. The black symbol on his face still sens shivers down everyone’s spines, regardless of the fact that he’s sleeping soundly enough to seem dead. His hands are tied in his lap with both rope and ribbon, as well as having rope pinning his chest to the chair. Germany stands next to the man, the skin on his knuckles broken and bloody in a way similar to what one might achieve after punching something. The area around the dried blood is turning white with how hard he’s clenching the back of the armchair.

America’s phone is silent for a long time as everyone takes it all in. After squirming uncomfortably for a few moments, America breaths, “Well, there ya have it, folks.” He’s clearly joking, but there is no joy in his voice. “They…” He pauses to swallow thickly. “They’re all asleep, but, given my past experiences with Necromancy, they’ll likely wake up soon. I’d recommend anyone who wants to talk collapse some distance and get over here, here being my Florida house.”

He disconnects from the call after that, not giving anyone a chance to speak.]

It doesn’t take long for people to start appearing in America’s living room. Only a few seconds have passed of terse silence before Canada pops into existence, momentarily stumbling. He sits down wordlessly on the arm of America’s chair. North is only a heartbeat behind him, swearing almost immediately in both Korean and English. He stands next to Canada when he regains his bearings.

Next to arrive is Poland, who has Russia clinging desperately to his arm like a koala. “I… I  _ hate that _ …” Russia barely manages, a little green in the face. America gives him a sympathetic look. “The bathroom’s down the hall, second door on the left.” He says. Russia nods once before scurrying off. Poland refuses to look at Germany, staring blankly at a spot on the wall. Germany gets the gist and trudges over, talking in low tones as soon as he’s close enough. Poland gratefully takes the distraction for what’s it’s worth.

The third group is South, Japan, and Belarus. Belarus is stone-faced as usual, South hanging from one arm, Japan on the other. Japan is trying to smile, but it keeps shaking and occasionally falling, as she keeps glancing over to the Third Reich. South, on the other hand, isn’t even bothering, his lips constantly twitching upwards into a scowl.

It’s at that point Germany turns around and asks, “America? Would you have any opposition to me taking Polen home and picking up Italien and Griechenland on the way back?” America takes note of how fidgety Poland and shakes his head, giving his permission. Germany nods, lets Poland take hold of his arm, and disappears without a sound.

The Soviet Union is next to arrive. He spins on his heel to look around the room only once before blurting, “Are you alright?” It takes America a moment to realize the question is directed at him, but when he does, he gives a soft smile and responds, “Yeah, I’m fine, just a little shaken up. They were all asleep when they got here. Germany took Poland home and is on his way to get Italy and Greece. Philip’s on their way too.”

The USSR nods. “Is Russia here yet?” As if on cue, the toilet flushes and Russia comes stumbling back into the room. “I haven’t vomited like that in  _ years _ ,” He spits, rubbing his mouth on his sleeve. The Soviet Union gives him a disgruntled and slightly disgusted look. “There was toilet paper right back there,” He snaps. Russia blinks slowly before sighing and looking pitifully down at his sleeve. “Yeah. Yeah, there was, wasn’t there.”

“Dumbass.”

“Bela! When did you get here?” And with that, the two begin to whisper loudly to each other. America makes to say something, but it’d quickly forgotten, as the Philippines appears, as do Germany, Italy, Greece, and Lithuania. “I figured it would be a good idea to bring Lithuania as well. It’s his dad as well, after all,” Germany explains before America can say anything.

Confused, Lithuania twirls around, trying to get a better look at the room. “...You guys aren’t trying to… like… take over my country or anything, right?” He finally asks, realizing the occupants of the room. America responds with a shake of his head and, “Look who’s on the floor.”

Lithuania is now more confused than ever, having to stand on tip-toe to get a glimpse. He almost falls over when he notices the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. There’s a long period of silence before a quiet “[What the  _ fuck _ ]” breaks it. America coughs quietly into his hand and mutters, “[Watch your language].” Lithuania doesn’t even look at him as he responds, “[My language is currently Lithuanian. Would you perhaps prefer Polish?]”

“[Smartass].” America snaps back.

“[Dumbass].”

“[I prefer fatass, actually].”

Lithuania outright snorts at that, saying in English, “I sexually identify as a fatass.”

America gives him a disapproving frown. “Those jokes aren’t even funny.” Lithuania just rolls his eyes and goes back to staring, his feet dangling an inch or so off the floor as he hangs off the back of the couch. America has a feeling he’s hanging like that specifically to spite him- He constantly has to reprimand Lithuania for it and has been doing so since the ‘20s.

The Philippines gives America a faintly confused look as she slowly strides around the couch. America only knows she’s a female today because of the clothing- Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been able to tell. The Philippines stops walking when she notices Katipunan, but she quickly resumes, albeit faster this time. She almost slides to a stop in front of the loveseat, her hands shaking ever so slightly. “Is he…?”

“He’s not dead, if that’s what you’re asking. The power of Necromancy, or whatever.”

The Philippines shoots him a look of clear dislike before gently sitting down on the loveseat next to her father, content to just stare.

No-one else speaks as Germany leads Italy and Greece over to their respective relatives. Italy immediately brightens and sits down next to Rome without a word, which is by far the most surprising part of the day.

Greece stands over his mother for a few moments before slipping gracefully onto the couch, lifting Ancient Greece’s head into his lap. America makes to protest, but, miraculously, Ancient Greece stays asleep. If anything, she seems to fall further out of reality as Greece begins to card his fingers through her hair.

“‘Nada? Are you okay?” America suddenly asks, shifting in his chair to face his brother fully. Canada nods distractedly and keeps his gaze on Native America.

Germany shifts restlessly back and forth for a few more heartbeats before he huffs and asks, “Should I go get anyone else? The UN, perhaps? Or maybe Britain and France?”

America thinks about volunteering to go do that himself, but he realizes why Germany’s actually asking. He’s trying to distract himself; He doesn’t want to think about who’s currently tied to a chair only a few feet away from him. After a moment of contemplation, America nods and adds, “Just get Britain and France, but make sure they know about  _ him _ before they agree to come with.”

Germany hums in affirmation and disappears.


	15. Chapter 15

Real World

The first newcomer to wake up is Ancient Greece. America doesn't count it, though, as the woman barely even opens her eyes, choosing to mutter something vaguely similar to  _ Hello _ before snuggling further into modern Greece's lap. After that, it all goes downhill.

Ancient Rome is next, shooting awake with a gasp and a half-assed war-cry. "-eave Renaissance alone!" He gurgles, hands flailing wildly. Italy is calming in an instant, gently holding his shoulders and mumbling reassurances in Latin. Germany, Britain, and France have chosen this moment to appear.

France's shoulders are already shaking, her face a bit pale, but she's also determined, a hard look in her eyes. Britain is grasping her hand firmly, his jaw set in a firm scowl. Germany's face is blank, but his hands are quivering slightly and his eyes are rimmed with red.

Rome babbles out rapid-fire Latin that leaves even Italy reeling. Italy blinks a few times before turning to America and jerking his head in a clear gesture of  _ Get over here _ . America complies, hauling himself out of his seat, already knowing what Italy wants him to do. He trudges across the living room and sits down next to Rome, startling the Ancient. "Tell him what I'm gonna do," He says to Italy.

"[My friend America is going to give you knowledge of another language so that we can all communicate better, okay? It'll be easier to explain everything if we're all speaking the same language,] sí?" Italy murmurs, though no-one other than Britain, France, and Rome knows that. Rome stares at him for a while before nodding slowly.

"Boop!" America can't help but say as he pokes Rome on the shoulder, earning him a scolding look from Britain and a bemused smile from the USSR.

Rome sits silently before forcing out, "Who are you? And where am I?" It's heavily accented, but none that America has ever heard before. He can't help but smile at it. "So  _ that's _ what it would have sounded like…" He muses aloud. He then shakes his head. "Sorry. I think the real question you should be asking is  _ when _ are you."

"...What?"

"You're no longer in whatever year you thought you were in. It's currently 2019, A.D."

Rome's eyes go wide, but he doesn't get a chance to say anything, as the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth wakes up, bumping into both Rome and Native America as he jolts upright. Native America groans and rolls back over, smothering her face in a pillow. She only seems to realize things aren't quite right when the Commonwealth begins to demand things in a mix of Latin, Lithuanian, and Polish, managing to befuddle even Lithuania.

"Poke him, Amerika!" Lithuania snaps, struggling to hold his father down. America, needing no further prompting, reached out and taps the Commonwealth's cowlick. "English, motherfucker, do you speak it!" America blurts. Everyone turns to give him mystified looks. He flushes pink and squeals, "I just wanna make sure!"

"I… what?" The Commonwealth struggles to comprehend his surroundings as he looks around. 

Native America slowly sits up, staring around the room. "[I know that voice]..." She mumbles. Canada catches her eye, grins, waves, and says, "[Uh… Hey]?"

Britain stares at her for what feels like an eternity before spinning on his heel and saying something along the lines of "I have to go." as he speed-walks away. France follows him out. Germany glances back and forth between France's retreating form and the still-unconscious countries. America smiles at him and nods at the now-empty doorway, which is all the encouragement Germany needs to go.

"[Welcome to the land of the living, Mom,]" America jokes before pausing. "[I… I'll admit, that could have been phrased better]."

"[You can say that again]," Canada mutters. America gives him an unamused look. "[I can, but I won't]."

Native America seems to forget about her exhaustion as she sits up and nudges America's shoulder. "[Go fuck yourself, America]," She seems to have recognized her son, calling him by his old name. America freezes up at it before forcing out a grin. "[Fuck me yourself, coward]."

Native America breaks down into a fit of giggles, covering up Canada coughing "Alabama 100" into his fist. The USSR slowly makes his way over as Native America slowly gets a hold of herself. He hesitates for only a moment before putting a hand in America's shoulder. "Are you alright?" The Soviet Union asks, staring at Native America in an attempt to not have to look America in the eye.

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?"

America glances up at him and smiles faintly. "Yeah… Everything's just hitting me in waves. I haven't been called Maska in a long fuckin' time…" He trails off with a sigh before shaking his head and beaming. "I'm fine. Yeah, I'm good." He clears his throat and says to Native America, "[I'm gonna touch you, okay]?"

"[O...kay?]"

He doesn't say anything in response, instead just choosing to tap her shoulder. She pauses before raising an eyebrow. "You have taught me the White Man's language?" She asks, mildly annoyed. Canada butts in. "He's teaching it to everyone so that we all have a common language to use." Native America hesitantly nods, still looking displeased."...That makes sense, unfortunately. I do not have to appreciate it, though. I hate the way it makes my mouth move."

America gives her a grateful look and rises from his spot on the couch. "Alright!" He starts, raising his arms a bit. "Greece, do you mind if I…?" He gestures vaguely towards Ancient Greece's sleeping form. Greece shakes his head and mumbles, "Go ahead."

America does just that, lightly tapping Ancient Greece on the cheek. The woman hums quietly. "Just let me sleep for a little bit longer, sir. I'm sure the men can hold off the Romans for a little bit longer without my presence."

Greece chuckles dryly, continuing to practically pet his mother. "Apparently, that is incorrect. Or…  _ Was  _ incorrect." He gives his mother a few final pats on the head before wiggling out from under her. Reluctantly, Ancient Greece sits up and wakes up a bit more. "What year is it?" She jokes. She then furrows her brow and runs her tongue over her lips, apparently confused as to her new language.

"2019, A.D." Greece and America say in unison.

Ancient Greece blinks languidly, finally seeming to realize where she is. "...Huh." She finally mutters. Greece smiles and glances at America out of the corners of his eyes. "She'll be alright."

America grins back and moves over to Katipunan. The Philippines shifts unconsciously, suddenly defensive. America can't help but wince. "I'm not gonna hurt him, Phil," He says softly. The Philippines doesn't budge. "He already knows English. Keep moving."

"We still have to wake him up," America protests weakly.

" _ I said _ , keep moving, asshole."

America gives her one last pleading look. It doesn't work. He sighs heavily and turns to face the rest of the countries. "Well…" He begins, trying to keep the apprehension out of his voice. He fails. "There's only one person left.." He doesn't even try to smile. It wouldn't feel right, given the situation.

Germany re-enters the room with France and a puffy-eyed, red-faced Britain. The island nation is making a pitiful attempt to hold himself together. His gaze falls on Native America. He quickly looks away. 

"Hey, Ger-money," America tries. His attempt at humor seems to be well-received, as Germany gives him a weak smile. "Hey, Ameri-can't," He replies. America can't help but return it, though it quickly falls. "There's… only one person left. To wake up, I mean."

Germany quickly scans the room. "What about Katipunan?"

"Phil told me no. Not much I can do about that."

Francis is the one to intervene, stepping forwards and putting a hand on Germany's shoulder. "Let Amérique wake him." She commands, her voice eerily soft. Germany turns to look at her. "France…"

"I appreciate the concern, mon ami," France says with a smile, "But I want to be here. If I am being honest, I  _ want _ to see him awake. I want to see the sheer horror on his face as he realizes how prosperous I am compared to him. I survived. He did not."

The nervous tension in the room departs after that. Countries are visibly reassured by France's words, some of them grinning at her, others staring at various things or people about the room with pleased looks on their faces.

"Just know that you can leave at any time." America says. He turns to look at everyone, a firm look in his eyes. "That goes for all of you. If, at any point, you feel uncomfortable, you can leave. Nothing is keeping you here."

_ That goes for you too, readers _ , The Soviet Union mouths. America gives him an odd look but doesn't comment on it.

"Alright, y'all, let's wake this trash up." America claps his hands before glancing at Germany. "You're not gonna get annoyed at me if I call him that, right?"

Germany raises an eyebrow. "No, no, go right ahead. In fact, I have a feeling no-one here wants to even  _ think _ his name. Why don't we all just refer to him as trash?"

The USSR gives him a mildly impressed look. "I didn't think you had it in you, West," He comments. Germany rolls his eyes. "It's all thanks to you," He responds, his voice dripping with sarcasm. America lets out a low whistle. "Damn, son."

"I'd rather be your son than his."

"If you called me Dad, I would literally cry tears of pure joy."

Germany just smiles, says, "I'll keep that in mind," and turns back to the Third Reich. America does the same, taking a deep breath. "Everyone ready?" He asks over his shoulder. The modern countries all mumble out a variety of agreements.

"Okay. Here goes…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't realize how far behind the ao3 version of this fic is. wattpad is up to 19 chapters and this one is only just now at 15. im so sorry.


	16. Chapter 16

America reachers out towards the man sitting limply in the armchair before wincing and pulling away. “Yeah, no, I’m not touching him. Any opposition to me splashing him with water instead? No? Alright.” He scurries off into the kitchen, snatching up a random cup off of the counter and turning the sink on full blast. “Waste of perfectly good water, if you ask me,” He grumbles under his breath.

When the cup is full, he strides back into the living room and unceremoniously dumps the water on the Third Reich’s head. The Third Reich jerks forwards and starts to cough and sputter, trying to blink the water from his eyes. France hides her giggling as a cough as the Third Reich shakes his head like a dog and croaks, “...Was?”

America makes a small  _ Tch _ sound and walks stiffly around to the front of the chair. “I really should have thought that through,” He says with a pout. “Now there’s water all over my chair.” He shakes his head slowly before suddenly crouching down in front of the Third Reich, his knees popping as he does so.

When no-one else speaks, the Soviet Union whispers, “Heels on the ground, comrade found, heels in the sky, Western spy.” America shoots him a look, mouth  _ Not The Time _ , and snaps his head back around. “Heya, bitch,” He begins, putting his elbows on his knees.

The Third Reich squirms uncomfortably against the ropes and stays silent.

“We’re not gonna untie you, if that’s what you’re trying to convey.”

No response.

America sighs and stands up. “Alright! Phil, you can either wake your dad up or explain everything to him yourself later on.” He announces. The Philippines grumbles something that’s probably an insult as she shakes her father awake. Katipunan’s eyes snap open immediately, but it takes him a moment to sit up. As he looks around the room, his eyes steadily begin to narrow more and more until he’s practically squinting at America.  _ You _ , he mouths. America shrugs half-heartedly.

“Okay, everyone!” America starts up, clapping his hands and raising his voice to gather everyone’s attention. Twenty-one heads turn to look at him. The Third Reich keeps his head down. America swallows. “Wow. I, uh… I forgot how many people there were here.” As he speaks, he makes his way over to the ottoman in front of the couch, standing on it as soon as he reaches it.

“So, for the newly-revived countries, AKA The Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, Ancient Rome, Ancient Greece, Native America, Katipunan, and the Trash Man-” He glances at each undead in turn. France has to be shushed by Britain because her giggling has escalated into full-blown laughter. The Third Reich winces and stays silent.

“-You lot died. Plain and simple. But, somehow, you’re all back, with that somehow being Necromancy. Now, while we certainly don’t want  _ some of you _ -” He turns to the Third Reich, “-here, we can’t get rid of you. Nothing happens without reason.  _ You’re all here _ for a reason.”

Britain looks as if he may protest. America silences him with a glare. “The year is currently 2019, A.D. All of your countries are under different leadership with different representatives. Because of this, you won’t last long; A few days at most.” At this point, he takes a deep breath. “So, to keep you alive, Germany and I have made a decision; You will all have to become micronations. It worked to keep Sov over there alive. It should work for you guys, too.

“We don’t have the time, money, or space to  _ build _ a specific space for you. Therefore, Germany and I have resolved to give up some of our own territories for you to inhabit. If anyone would like to keep their relative on their original land, speak up now.”

The Philippines opens her mouth immediately, to the surprise of no-one. “Katipunan will be staying with me,” She says firmly. Katipunan turns to look at her. “Will I, now?” He questions. She doesn’t look at him as she responds, “Of course you will. Would you  _ really _ rather depend on America or a complete stranger’s economy and state of being to keep you alive?” Katipunan doesn’t say anything in response. The Philippines hides a pleased smile.

“Anyone else?” America prompts.

“I’ll take Rome!” Italy announces, clinging tightly to the confused Ancient. “What? Why?” Rome demands. Italy beams blindingly at him, seemingly unfazed by the brash anger Rome shows him. “Because you are related to me! You are my… Ah, great-great-great-great-grandfather, I believe? Sí, that’s right. Germania! Aren’t you related to Rome as well?”

Germany blinks a few times. “...I don’t think so, nein?”

“We are.”

All heads snap over to the Third Reich, who’s staring down at his lap. “The Byzantine Empire and the Germanic Tribes produced the Holy Roman Empire just before the Tribes attacked the Western Roman Empire. I’ve been told it was as dramatic as a Shakespearan play.” He sounds weary as he speaks, far more weary than anyone other than Germany can remember hearing him.

America pulls a face. “Oh, so  _ now _ you talk?” No answer. Of course. America sighs and slumps over dramatically. “ _ Anywho _ ,” He says as he straightens up, “I’m gonna go ahead and assume Greece wants to take his mother with him?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, um… Liet? How about you?”

“What about Lenkija?”

Germany is the one to answer. “I’m afraid I have to take my f- ...The Trash Man with me.” At the words  _ Trash Man _ , the Third Reich seems to curl even farther into himself, bringing his knees up to his chest and holding them there with his still-tied hands. It’s honestly a pathetic sight; He’s hunched over, his hair a greasy mess, water still dripping off of him and ruining his wrinkled and torn clothes. Germany ignores him as he continues to speak. “I can imagine Polen won’t want to be around for that. He’ll likely go to your place and stay there for a while, if you’ll have him.”

Lithuania nods in understanding and turns to look at the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, who’s still utterly miffed. “Is that okay?” Lithuania asks. The Commonwealth nods in a way that lets everyone know he isn’t really listening and is just nodded to get the attention off of him for the moment.

“So that’s Katipunan, Trash Man, the Commonwealth, Greece, and Rome all covered. Mom? You wanna come with me or ‘Nada?” He then pauses. “Or both? I’m sure we could put you right there on the border somewhere…”

“The border?”

“Oh, yeah, uh… ‘Nada and I are two different territories. Long story.”

“Was it because of the white men?”

“Mom, you can’t just blame everything on white people.” A pause. “Yeah. Yeah, it was the white men.”

Native America gives him a smug look. “Apparently, I  _ can _ blame everything on white men,” She says. America sighs heavily. “Well, I-” He comes to a sudden halt, staying still for at least thirty seconds before slowly clasping his hands together with slightly narrowed eyes. “Oh. Okay, well,  _ most _ things can be blamed on white men, but you don’t have to say it out loud.”

“Stop me if you can, hoe.”

From the farthest corner of the room, someone coughs. “Imagine being called a whore by your own mother.” North’s voice chuckles. “This post was made by the Why Are We Here Gang,” South chimes in.

Looking closely, it really is the Why Are We Here Gang over in the corner. The people inhabiting it are South, North, Japan, Russia, and Belarus, all of whom seem to have some level of disinterest or discomfort on their faces.

“Y’all are here because we need emotional support, or whatever,” America snarks. Japan smiles brightly. “I’m very good at emotion support or whatever,” She chirrups. Belarus’s blank face gains the faintest hints of a smile. “Is there anything you are  _ not _ good at, мілы?” She murmurs. Japan flushes red and attempts to stutter out a response.

America turns away from the corner to see the Third Reich sitting upright, his pupils blown, his mouth slightly unhinged. “Is- Are- Japan?” He chokes out, sudden;y shifting against the ropes. America is next to him in an instant, pushing his back with a rough hand on his chest. “Stay,” The Westerner growls sharply.

“I- I’m not a dog!” The Third Reich protests. America glares at him. “You sure coulda fooled me. Now  _ stay _ .” His voice his hard and demanding. The Third Reich looks almost panicked as he blurts out, “I need to make sure Japan wasn’t hurt!”

“What the f- Why do  _ you _ care?”

“She was my ally! I didn’t-- just tell me if she’s alright!” He looks as if he may cry. America opens his mouth to snap something back, but he halts as a thought comes to mind. “How old are you?” He asks slowly. The Third Reich, confused, mumbles out a “Huh?”

“I asked how old you were. Country years.”

“...15.”

_ Compliant _ , America muses,  _ And oh so very young _ .

“...You really want to know what happened to Japan?” America finally mutters. The Third Reich jolts. “ _ Ja! _ ”

“It isn’t pretty.”

“I don’t care!:

“She’s dead. Radiation poisoning. The cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were bombed. She went down a few days after the second bomb hit. Both were atomic.”

The Third Reich looks as if he might be sick. He stares at America in horror for a few moments before falling against the back of the chair, blankly watching the ceiling. “She’s dead.” He repeats dumbly. America, though the Third Reich can’t see it, is staring at him as if waiting for something. “That _ is _ what I said.”

“Oh, no, you stop that  _ right now _ ,” Germany’s voice cuts through the silence scoldingly. America turns to look at him, and the Third Reich does the same, but Germany isn’t looking at either of them. Instead, he has his sights set on Japan. “I know that look on your face,” He continues, “Don’t you  _ dare  _ start to pity that bastard.”

“I’m not!”

“You are too! You’ve got that same look that you get when you see dead animals on the side of the road!”

“N-”

“ _ Guys _ !” America snaps, glancing back and forth to glare at each of them in turn. “You two are adults! Start acting like it!”

“Okay,  _ Dad _ ,” Germany rebukes. America blushes scarlet. “Oh, don’t even try it, you little-!” That’s what sends Canada over the edge in a fit of laughter. “Oh- Oh my  _ God _ , bro- Dude, you sound  _ just  _ like Britain used to!”

America lets out a rather feminine squeak. “I do not!”

“I don’t know, Amérique, that would have to be a fatherly voice if I’ve ever heard one.”

“ _ France _ !”


	17. Chapter 17

Group Chat: brobamas

**dummy thicc:** that could have gone a LOT better

**canadian bacon isn’t real bacon:** it also coulda been hella worse

**Daniel:** jesus fuck nada are you trying to give me a seizure??

**canadian bacon isn’t real bacon:** ?

**Daniel:** i actually thought america had taken your phone for a moment there

**canadian bacon isn’t real bacon:** Have you ever thought that, maybe, your suffering turns me on

**Daniel:** WOAHWOAHOWHWOWHOAHWOH

**dummy thicc:** STOP YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE LAW

**Bitch Boy:** stop

**Red Robin:** He’s back!!

**Bitch Boy:** my phone broke and you know it >:(

_ 99bottlesofantideppressants is online! _

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** America are you going to tell them about the thing or

**dummy thicc:** well i kinda have to now, don’t I?

**99bottlesofantideppressants:** yeah, you do.

**dummy thicc:** 😔

_ dummy thicc has changed the name of the chat to brobamas! _

**dummy thicc:** to make a long fukin story short, i’m making another chat with the new losers

_ 99bottlesofantideppressants is offline! _

**canadian bacon isn’t real bacon:** what the fuck richard

**Bitch Boy:** kjsahjkdshf actually that makes sense…. we can keep in contact with them and stuff and gets updates or whatever

**Bitch Boy:** like if one of them gets lost or smthn they can spam the groupchat until someone comes to get them.

**dummy thicc:** see my son knows what’s good

**Bitch Boy:** your WHAT

_ dummy thicc is offline! _

**Bitch Boy:** @dummy thicc GET BACK HERE

**Bitch Boy:** [Screenshot_008]

[Image: A cropped screenshot of a text message notification. “space gay 1: gotta blast !”

**Red Robin:** is he really labeled space gay on your phone

**Bitch Boy:** OKAY SO he used to just be space gay but then i realized that you’re technically a space gay too so he’s #1 and ur #2

**Red Robin:** why am i 2

**Bitch Boy:** Because, in all honesty, he’s nicer to me

**Red Robin:** yeah okay.

**Daniel:** can we please talk about how America keeps adopting children

**Daniel:** like damn first it was south, then vietnam, then germany, now russia

**Daniel:** and puerto rico. them too.

_ dummy thicc is online! _

**dummy thicc:** what can i say except delete this

**dummy thicc:** why did you have to call me out like that smh

**dummy thicc:** also south isn’t my kid :( he won’t let me

**Daniel:** he IS. that way me and him legally have to be brothers again bc you’re his dad and sov is my dad and you nerds are married or whatever

**Red Robin:** we’re??? not married??? 

**dummy thicc:** we could be tho

**Red Robin:** are you actually trying to propose to me in a groupchat

**dummy thicc: ** PERHAPS

**dummy thicc:** omw to buy a ring right now

**Red Robin:** you’re so fucking stupid i love you so much

**dummy thicc:** ❤️❤️❤️❤️

**Bitch Boy:** i look away from this hellhole for like five minutes to play minecraft and all of the sudden i hear my dad absolutely fucking sobbing his eyes out tf happened in here

**dummy thicc:** I’m marrying your dad.

**Bitch Boy:** What The Fuck

**Bitch Boy:** actually nvm i’m fine with that

**Bitch Boy:** you’re a good person, a good dad, and you make my papa happy

**dummy thicc:** fuck man i had to pull over on the side of the road im crying so fucking hard

**Red Robin:** why are you in the car

**dummy thicc:** I said I was buying a ring, didn’t I?

**Bitch Boy:** oh shit he’s breaking out the capital letters AND capitalization i think he’s actually serious

_ 99bottlesofantideppressants is online! _

_ 99bottlesofantideppressants has changed their name to Flower Boy! _

**Flower Boy: ** DIBS

_ Flower Boy is offline! _

**Bitch Boy:** DAMMIT

**Bitch Boy:** [Screenshot_009]

[Image: It’s a cropped screenshot of a text message notification. “germoney: suck ball”]

**dummy thicc:** ok i gtg there’s a sheriff coming up behind me to make sure im not dead or whatever ive been pulled over for too long

**Bitch Boy:** yes please leave every time you speak papa starts to cry harder it’s starting to echo at this point

**dummy thicc:** dawwwwww ❤️

**dummy thicc:** ok fr tho i have to go bye


	18. Chapter 18

Group Chat: ya boi skinny penis

_ America has created a new chat! _

_ America has changed the name of the chat to ya boi skinny penis! _

_ America has added The USSR, Russia, NK, Germany, SK, Japan, Canada, Lithuania, Greece, Italy, and The Philippines! _

_ America has given The Philippines, Germany, and The USSR moderator privileges! _

**America:** Alright, anyone who has a Dead Dude/Dudette™’s phone number, go ahead and add them

_ The Philippines has added Katipunan! _

_ Lithuania has added The PLC! _

_ Canada has added Native America! _

_ Greece has added A.G.! _

_ Italy has added Rome! _

_ Germany has added The Trash Man! _

**America: ** JKSDKJAHSFSDNF BIG RIP

**The USSR:** And so it begins.

**The USSR:** That act of formality lasted so, so long, huh?

**Native America:** eh eh hockey puck maple leaf marijuana eh

**America:** 😳 bro…

**NK:** HE GOT NATIVE AMERICA

**SK:** f

**Germany:** F

**The Philippines:** fffffff

**The PLC:** eh?

**Lithuania:** TĖTIS NO NOT YOU TOO

**Germany:** trash man.  @The Trash Man . you tap on the screen where it says “write a message” and hit the letters ou want to type. then you press the paper airplane and hit the little white triangle in the bottom left.

**Germany:** that’s how you text people. It’s like letters but instant

**SK:** *german accent* thaste it. i cannot change this

**America:** germoney did you really not tell him before now??????

**The Trash Man:** Like this?

**America:** that is single-handedly the most unironically formal text i’ve ever gotten in my life and i hate it so much jesus fuck

**Lithuania:**

**Lithuania:** There are only like 3 Good Catholics™ left in the whole fuckin world and I’m related to 2 of them

**Lithuania:** please keep my tėtis’s blissful ignorance intact

**America:** i make 0 promises

**SK:** hey

**SK:** @everyone

**SK:** [https://youtu.be/vU2iPanLHYw](https://youtu.be/vU2iPanLHYw)

**America:** YESYESYESYEYSYEYS

**Canada:** w h y

**The PLC:** i have no idea who you are but i will literally crazy murder you.

**Lithuania: ** WHO TAUGHT HIM THAT

**America:**

**Germany:** Polen, probably

**Lithuania:** 🔫🔪 i’ve officially mcfreaking lost it

_ Lithuania is offline! _

**The Philippines:** Poland and Lithuania who? i only know crazy murder Commonwealth

**The Trash Man:** Please stop screaming.

**America:** What The Fucketh ?

**Canada:**

**Lithuania:**

**Germany:** MAKE ME COWARD

**America:** and suddenly, everything makes sense.

**America:** why are you screaming

**Germany:** okay so

**Germany:** 1) it is a WONDERFUL way to vent my feelings

**Germany:** 2) the trash man absolutely despises loud sounds so it’s a good way to inform him of my utter hatred of him

**America:** maybe stop screaming. ptsd is a bitch.

**Germany:** wtf is that supposed to mean???

**America:** @The Trash Man you want to say it? or should i?

**The Trash Man:** You do it. Please.

**America:** so many pleases it scares me

**America:** @Germany stop screaming you’re giving him flashbacks

**America:** He had to as ME of all people how to make them stop (I could barely understand the message because of all of the spelling mistakes- HE WAS CRYING). stop being fuckin stupid and quit yelling.

**The Trash Man:** He stopped. Thank you.

**America:** No prob, Bob.

**The Trash Man:** ...Bob?

**Canada:** OK LAPIS LAZULI

_ The USSR has changed The Trash Man’s name to she wants the PTSD! _

**America:** i want to tell you off

**America:** but at the same time they say that laughter is the best medicine.

**America:** so it all depends on if he likes it or not. do you?

**she wants the PTSD:** I’ll admit, I chuckled.

**America:** fucking superb

_ Lithuania is online! _

**Lithuania:** back from killing Poland, anyone want pictures?

**America:** yes BUT DONT SEND YET

**America:** #murder_pics

**America:** its a nsfw channel, send the pics and mark em as spoiler

**Lithuania:** yeet

**Lithuania:** so what happened while i was busy

**she wants the PTSD:** I have earned myself a new nickname.

**America:** germs is kinda mean

**America:** im still wondering how he knew something as weird as “no loud sounds”

**she wants the PTSD: ** It was sort of an unspoken rule between him, East, and I. They were both still mentally children at the time, and a building collapsed near our house. I didn’t take the volume levels well- I started crying, which made East cry, which made West cry. After that, they took it upon themselves to stay quiet. I didn’t appreciate it at the time, as I thought it made me weak, having to be pitied by my own children.

**she wants the PTSD:** I just miss it now.

**Lithuania:** ngl, the beginning part is wholesome as heck. babeys.

**America:** bRUH BBY EAST AND WEST WERE SO CUTE BACK THEN UGH I MISS IT

**America:** @The USSR get back online

**The USSR:** i never left, what’s up

**America:** i want a baby now

**The USSR: ** Do you mean “I want a baby now” or “I want a baby. Now”?

**America:** yes.

**she wants the PTSD:** Why are you telling him?

**America:** did germany explain ANYTHING to you

**she wants the PTSD:** No, not really.

**America:** omw now.

**she wants the PTSD:** ?

**AmericaL** sorry dude. on my way over now.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry in advance about having to type out what all of the images are. the wattpad vers. has the actual images, if you wanna see them
> 
> ALSO
> 
> this book is operating under the idea that A.) the countries are all genderfluid, some just have preferences for which gender they are on the daily, and B.) countries can die and come back as long as their country isn't in trouble and/or a war

Group Chat- ya boi skinny penis

**America:** quick everyone change ur own name

_ America has changed their name to Freedumb! _

**Freedumb:** yeehaw

**Russia:** that is single-handedly the most American combination you could have made

_ Russia has changed their name to Motherland! _

**Motherland:** ngl bro, feelin kinda feminine today

**Motherland:** apparently my female vers. has MASSIVE bahgazadongas

**Freedumb:** i feel super bad for asking but i wanna see

**Freedumb:** NOT NUDES IM JUST CURIOUS

**Freedumb:** cuz i was feeling girly today too so i wanna compare

**Motherland:** titty fight

**Motherland:** like dick comparisons, but better

**Canada:** that's kinda weird, i'm feeling the Feminine Influence™ today as well

_ Canada has changed their name to Syr-yup! _

**Syr-yup:** no matter what, Ame, my tiddies are bigger

**Freedumb:** >:(

**The USSR:** Canada's right, this IS weird, I'm feeling it today too.

**The USSR:** I wonder if anyone else is,,,

_ The USSR has changed their name to 6million²mi! _

**6million²mi:** Even if Russia is the largest country in the world at the moment, I was still bigger.

**6million²mi:** [Camera_128]

[Image: It's a photo of a smirking USSR, wearing his- or, rather, her- regular clothes. Despite the fact that her feminine form os smaller in both width and height, the coat is clearly straining to stay together over her chest.]

**6million²mi:** ...does anyone know how to sew.

**Freedumb:** i do, why

**6million²mi:** the buttons may have popped off

**Freedumb:** my gay ass is having a fucking stroke right now

_ she wants the PTSD is online! _

**she wants the PTSD:** Is anyone else awake?

**Freedumb:** yeah man, we were just talkin, what's up

**she wants the PTSD:** I have a bit of a problem.

**Freedumb:** wait lemme guess

**Freedumb:** You've never had to deal with your body wanting to be female before so you're struggling to cope with the idea?

**she wants the PTSD:** That is exactly right. Are you behind this?

**Freedumb:** nah, the rest of us are dudettes too lmao

**Freedumb:** it’s, unfortunately, going to start to physically hurt if you don’t let your body change. You might as well go with it.

**she wants the PTSD:** Are you sure? I can probably fight it.

**she wants the PTSD:** Nevermind. That is very painful.

**she wants the PTSD:** What the fuck

**she wants the PTSD:** Abort Mission

**Freedumb:** 😔 yeah sorry bro

**Syr-yup:** ima be real with you chief i wanna see what he/she looks like

**Motherland:** hey  @she wants the PTSD do you wanna be called he or she. or they.

**she wants the PTSD:** He. Definitely he.

**Motherland:** 👍

**6million²mi:** Ame send pics

**she wants the PTSD:** Pics?

**Freedumb:** [Camera_216]

[Image: It’s a picture of a shirtless, bra-less female America. She’s grinning wickedly at the camera, a playful twinkle in her eyes making them crinkle at the edges and turning her cheeks to dimples.]

**Freedumb:** titties OUT. if men can show nipples w/o judgment and sexualization then so can women

**6million²mi:** 👀

**Syr-yup:** YOU’RE RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD SAY IT

**Motherland:** LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK

**she wants the PTSD:** Is that really socially acceptable?? You’re just allowing that???

**Motherland:** [Image: A screenshot of the "Is this allowed" Vine, but with the word "Reich" over the hand and "Tiddies" over the girl and boy".]

**Freedumb:** jhjehejhejejhejhehehhjeehj

**Syr-yup:** suns out titties out

**Freedumb:** sugar. honey. boo. babe. baby. love. send titty

**Motherland:** DO NOT

**6million²mi:** to send titty or not to send titty. that is the question.

**Syr-yup:** halloween’s over but we all still want the boo-bies

**Motherland:** 🔫

**Syr-yup:** please clap

**she wants the PTSD:** ...I just went through with it. I let it happen.

**Freedumb:** PICS PLEASE

**she wants the PTSD:** I don’t know how to operate a phone camera.

**Freedumb: ** >:( get germs to show you

**she wants the PTSD:** ...I’ll try.

**she wants the PTSD:** Nevermind. He took one look at me and started to giggle. I’m not going back in that room.

**Freedumb:** im literally gonna kill germany

**Freedumb:** like damn bitch that was uncalled for

**Motherland:** He’ll get better soon.

**6million²mi:** Hopefully.

**Syr-yup:** well howzabout you just describe yourself to us instead?

**she wants the PTSD:** Flat.

**Freedumb:** JFHSDHFKSFKLFHIEOK

**6million²mi:** god i wish that were me

**she wants the PTSD:** Why would you wish that upon yourself?

**6million²mi:** Do some jumping jacks.

**she wants the PTSD:** OK. That’s pain.

**6million²mi:** Now imagine trying to do that with lads literally big enough to break the buttons on a jacket that’s two sizes too big for the rest of your body.

**she wants the PTSD:** I see.

**Syr-yup:** Ame

**Freedumb:** what

**Syr-yup:** Mom said it was my turn on the braincell

**Freedumb:** yeah sure bro, i was getting tired of being the competent one in the Me and Germs dynamic

**Motherland:** That’s right, you’ve been better behaved than him recently. Somehow

**she wants the PTSD:** Germany doesn’t usually act like this?

**Freedumb:** nah, i think he’s just upset bc you’re back

**she wants the PTSD:** Of course he is. Who isn’t?

**Freedumb:** now, don’t take this the wrong way, i’m not GLAD that you’re back, but i’m also not particularly upset about it. you’ve just kinda become a constant variable now. sort of like the shock’s faded away.

**Syr-yup:** we’re getting too deep into emotional stuff plz stop

**Syr-yup:** im not high enough for this

**6million²mi:** Are you ever high enough to deal with him?

**Syr-yup:** touche. i don’t know how you put up with him.

**6million²mi:** I put up with him because every time I look at him, my body is flooded with enough serotonin to keep me feeling like I’m floating for over a week

**Syr-yup:** that much, huh?

**Freedumb:** that’s kinda gay, bro

**Syr-yup:** and you’re not?

**Freedumb:** true. sometimes i’ll be having a regular day and then i’ll look over at Sov and im just hit by this WAVE of unconditional love and affection that leaves me absolutely reeling

**Motherland:** [Image: "You guys are getting <strike>paid</strike> love?"]

**Freedumb:** im sure you could just get laid with china if you ask nicely

**Motherland:** isn’t china like 4000 years old tho

**Freedumb:** and? your dad’s like 300 years younger than me

**Motherland:** he’s WHAT

**Syr-yup:** lol yeah Ame’s like 500

**Freedumb:** okay, 400-ish years younger

**Motherland:** ...okay, maybe i SHOULD ask china if they’d be down.

**Freedumb:** real talk tho can we talk about how countries like to call me a gay icon but they always forgot about china, who’s been openly enby for 4000 or so years

**Motherland:** china’s the only valid icon, and that’s the tea

**Freedumb:** haha puns

**Freedumb:** yaknow. like tea. that’s the tea. china made tea.

**6million²mi:** really living up to the dumb part of your name there dorogoy

**6million²mi:** you’re lucky i’m morosexual

**6million²mi:** only attracted to morons

**Freedumb:** i’m not a moron!!

**6million²mi:** uh-huh

**Freedumb:** which one of us had the first man on the moon? HM?

**6million²mi:** what about the first man in space

**6million²mi:** or the first woman.

**6million²mi:** or the first asian

**Freedumb:** OKAY DAMN

**Freedumb:** i still got the first african american woman up there

**6million²mi:** i mean. you did just say they were african-AMERICAN. so

**Freedumb:** stfu you know what i meant

**6million²mi:** just say it coward. it’s only racist if you mean it to be mean or derogatory >:(

**Motherland:** [Image: "Presidential Alert: THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGGG]

**Syr-yup:** wtf yall were both just waxing poetic about each other and not even ten minutes later ur fighting

**Freedumb:** shut

**she wants the PTSD:** I think I’ve had enough of this for one day. Good night, everyone.

**Freedumb:** o shit i forgot its like 3 am over there

**Freedumb:** we’ve been keeping you awake, huh?

**Freedumb:** sorry

**she wants the PTSD:** No, it’s quite alright. I’d actually rather not be asleep right now, for… obvious, nickname-giving reasons. You all were wonderful distractions, but my eyes feel as if they may fall out of my head. I should probably go to sleep.

**Freedumb:** Hey, that’s fine, man, just remember that staying awake constantly is usually just gonna make things worse. I’m always open to talk, if you need to. Even if it’s 3 AM my time and I’m having the best sleep of my life, I’ll pick up the phone for ya.

**she wants the PTSD:** Thank you, that means a lot. I’ll keep it in mind.

**Freedumb:** Huh, y’all really are related.

**she wants the PTSD:** ?

**Freedumb:** Nothin’, nvm. Good night!

**Syr-yup:** Yeah, ‘night!

**Motherland:** доброй ночи, nerds.

**6milion²mi:** good nightttt

  
**she wants the PTSD:** ...Ja, Gute Nacht.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> self-indulgent titty chapter because. i like girls. thaste it.


	20. Chapter 20

_ SK has changed their name to mm, gorls! _

**mm, gorls:** that was a typo but its so funny im gonna keep it

**Lithuania:** gorls

**NK:** ok gru

_ NK has changed their name to ow the edge! _

**ow the edge:** i wish poland was here. he was fun :(

**Lithuania:** 👀 i’ll ask him if he’d be comfortable joining

**Lithuania:** he said yes immediately, i think he was waiting for me to ask

**Lithuania:** ah fuck i dont have admin privileges

**ow the edge:** >:( @Germany add Poland bitch

**Germany:** does poland want me to add him?

**ow the edge:** fuckin

**ow the edge:** SCROLL UP

**Germany:** oh okay damn

_ Germany has added Poland! _

**Poland:** how to spoon

**Poland:** dick hard on the butt

**Poland:** titty in my hand

**Poland:** hell yeah

**ow the edge:** god i’ve missed u

**Poland:** khdgkjhsdjf

**Poland:** missed u too boo xoxo

**Germany:** is anyone gonna talk about how the trash man is just watching us rn or. like he’s online and we can all see that right

**mm, gorls:** no, we won’t talk abt it

**mm, gorls:** also, we’ve all kinda agreed to not call him trash man

**mm, gorls:** so quit it

**Germany:** :/

**Poland:** oh? he’s online?

**Lithuania:** yeah, he just kinda watches most of the time, we’re all just kinda used to it by now

**she wants the PTSD:** Would you rather me talk?

**Lithuania:** nah man, you do you

**ow the edge:** only talk if you want to my guy

**she wants the PTSD:** Okay.

**Poland:** he’s polite and slightly terrifying

**Lithuania:** [Image: Well mark me down as scared _and _horny!]

**Poland:** bang him if you want but do not tell me about it !

**Lithuania:** SLDHFKDSF stop

**mm, gorls:** i need help

**she wants the PTSD:** Are you hurt?

**mm, gorls:** only mentally lol

**ow the edge:** mood

**ow the edge:** what do u need help with

**mm, gorls:** i need about 5-7 men to come with me to the airport, all dressed nicely, but not TOO nicely. i’m going to be wearing a black & shimmering dress with a bunch of pearl jewelry and two champagne glasses in my hands. one of the men will be playing the role of my chauffeur, and i will occasionally remind him to start carrying my bags “correctly”, but each time i tell him something different. the other 4-6 will be acting as men will cling desperately to my dress and beg me not to leave, making sure not to hold on too harshly for clear fear of tearing the dress that costs more than their lives are worth. as i approach the gate, i’ll twirl around, spilling a bit of champagne on one man’s head, and laugh loudly, “i have to get back to my REAL husband, darlings!”

**she wants the PTSD:** I volunteer, that sounds positively beautiful. I’d be willing to be splashed with champagne.

**mm, gorls:** lol kinky

**she wants the PTSD: ** why.

**mm, gorls:** you’ve got the part

**Poland:** ...can i be the bag man

**mm, gorls:** yes u can be the bag man

**Poland:** yus

**ow the edge:** i would join as well but im technically not allowed out of the country atm

**mm, gorls:** what’d u do this time

**ow the edge:** snuck over to canada

**mm, gorls:** f

**Poland:** F

**Lithuania:** ffffff

**she wants the PTSD:** What does “F” mean? Isn’t it just a letter?

**Lithuania:** HONEY…

**Poland:** KJSHSDFJFHFEJJNCDF HAS NO ONE TAUGHT HIM MEMES

**ow the edge:** teach him uh oh stinky and i will actually bomb warsaw im not even joking

**she wants the PTSD:** uh-oh stinky???

**Poland:** I DIDN’T DO IT I SWEAR

**ow the edge:** [Image: Gru with a gun.]

**she wants the PTSD:** Pardon my French, but what the fuck is happening?

**Lithuania:** [Image: What the fuck is going on in here on this day?]

**Poland:** north please. please i didn’t even say it you did

**ow the edge:** 🤡🔫 shit u right

**mm, gorls:** do it, coward

**Poland:** kjsfksdhf you guys have SUCH a good sibling relationship

**ow the edge:** you’re not in the clear yet punk

**Lithuania:** @/mm, gorls can i join ur airport gang

**mm, gorls:** yes of course

**Lithuania:** uwu

**she wants the PTSD:** Completely unrelated, but does anyone know how to… I don’t know… not be bored, I suppose?

**Poland:** ur bored huh

**she wants the PTSD:** Very.

**Poland:** why not go visit someone?

**she wants the PTSD:** I don’t think I’d be very good at navigating the modern world. Germany also told me I’m not allowed to leave the house. He won’t talk to me, either, so I’m left with wandering around the house and texting people.

**Poland:** germs is being kinda douchey

**Poland:** like damn, i don’t like you either but im still talking to you

**Poland:** U know what? Fuck it. I’m coming over and nobody can stop me. I’m bringing board games, alcohol, and my pet cat. Germany can suck ball. We’re gonna drink till we drop and I’m gonna shove it in Germany’s face that I’m a better people-person than him.

**she wants the PTSD:** I don’t think that’s a very good idea.

**Poland:** w h y

**she wants the PTSD:** Germany threatened my very existence if you so much as looked at me, which he can do know, as I’m a micronation in his country. I also have my own inhibitions about seeing you face-to-face. I think my name speaks for itself in that situation.

**Poland:** I know it’s tough, believe me, but you’re gonna have to talk to me at some point. I’m not saying that point has to be right now, but it’ll have to happen eventually, and right now seems like a pretty good time.

**she wants the PTSD: ** I don’t know. I’d be willing to try, but I don’t think I’d last very long. There’s also the matter of your boyfriend.

**Lithuania:** out of context that sounds really bad

**Poland:** shut up, liet

**Lithuania:** shutting up, pol

**Poland:** Okay dude, how about this. I come over, talk to Germany about how much of a dick he’s being, and then I’ll try and talk to you. If you aren’t alright in any way, I’ll go. Same goes for me. Okay?

**she wants the PTSD:** That sounds okay.

**Poland:** Alright then, omw.

**she wants the PTSD:** I understand that now!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> breaking news- tr is now legally not allowed to be harmed, as he has accidentally become babey.


	21. Chapter 21

**Freedumb:** i turn the corner into an alleyway and collapse against the wall, tilting my head back to try and keep the tears from spilling over. a few collect on my lashes, but they don't fall. with a shaky exhale that's far too close to a cry, i shove my hand into my black leather jacket and start to try and grab what i need. what i crave. with quivering hands, i pull out a neon green kazoo. the beginning notes to megalovania are barely able to be heard over the roar of traffic as i sob into the plastic instrument.

**Native America:** would you like to talk about it

**Freedumb:** :,) im just having a bad day

**Native America:** do u feel the hug i'm pretending to give u

**Freedumb:** I do now uwu

**Native America:** ùwú

**Native America:** So how come Britain, France, and Spain aren't here?

**Freedumb:** well, Britain's kind of a prick ngl, France & me have a weird relationship, and i don't really talk to Spain all that often tbh. i don't even have his info or anything

**Native America:** :( at least add France please

**Freedumb:** mom no

**Native America:** im going to teleport to your house and eat your bowls

**Freedumb:** they're made of porcelain

**Native America:** AND???

_ Freedumb has added France and Britain! _

**Freedumb:** im sorry abt this but mom pulled a raw fucking power move, i had no choice

**France:** 👀 oh? native america is on here?

**Freedumb: ** i stg if you try and have sex with my mom AGAIN-

**France:** you'll do what?

**Freedumb:** i'll cry

**Britain:**

**Freedumb:** I HATE THAT I HATE THAT I HATE THAT I HATE THAT I HATE THAT I HATE THAT I HATE THAT I HATE THAT I HATE THAT I HATE THAT I HATE THAT I

**Britain:** :)

**Britain:** Does Spain even know that Native America is back?

**Freedumb:** Francey-pants?

**France:** i didn't tell him

**Britain:** I didn't, either.

**Native America:** ...f

**Freedumb:** yall im

_ Freedumb has added Spain! _

**Spain:** ???

**Freedumb:** @Native America speak woman

**Native America: **

**Freedumb:** ...thank you

**Freedumb:** but yeah spain my mom is back i guess

**Spain:** Native America? She's alive?

**Native America:** PERHAPS

**Native America:** bro i'll prove it

**Native America:** i didn't know who the other parent of canada was so i let you nerds take turns taking care of me and at the end i said "fuck all yall that was just an excuse for free food im not giving you my son"

**Spain:** You couldn't have just messaged me privately???

**Native America: **

**Spain:** I still don't believe it. Anyone could have said that.

**Native America:** [Snapchat_36]

[Image: A picture of Native America with a generic Snapchat filter on, staring at the camera from where she's hunched over a Mega-Stuffed Oreo package, a jug of milk laying at a haphazard angle on one of the fan blades, milk dripping all over the floor. There's a wild gleam in her eyes and cookie crumbs on her face. She's wearing grey sweatpants and a baggy "Me Hoy Minoy" shirt. How she managed to get the image, we may never know.]

**Freedumb:** T H E P O W E R O F C H R I S T C O M P E L S Y O U

**Spain:** Dios Mío, woman

**Britain:** Pardon my French, but... what the fuck.

**France:** my long-slumbering attraction to native america: what the fuck is popping

**Freedumb:** i stg that image activated my fight-or-flight reflex

_ Native America had changed their name to God! _

**God:** I am superior to your singular deity; Therefore, I deserve their name instead.

**France:** i'll worship that

**Britain:** If France leaves me for Native America I WILL cry. I won't blame her, but I'll cry.

**God:** your tears fuel me. cry, pussy boy.

**Spain:** i'm not mentally stable enough for this

_ Spain has left the chat! _

**Freedumb:** f

_ Freedumb has changed God's name to Kneecap Sucker! _

**Kneecap Sucker:**

**Kneecap Sucker:** you know me so well

**Kneecap Sucker:** but why did u change it

**Freedumb:** there are a lot of religious people here lets not offend them and cause ww3

**Kneecap Sucker:** fine

**Britain:** France???

**Britain:** France, where did you go??? I can't find you???

**France:** im packing my bags

**France:** NA where are u

**Kneecap Sucker:** alaska atm

**Kneecap Sucker:** the people here b wildin

**France:** okay bretagne, we're going to alaska

**Britain:** Honestly? I have no oppositions to this.

**Freedumb:** can all yall horny mfers maybe chill

**Freedumb: ** this is Japan and SK all over again

_ Freedumb has changed France's name to Horny on Main! _

**Horny on Main:** damn,,,, u rite

**Freedumb:** why must i always associate with the horny ones

**Britain:** It's in your blood.

_ Britain is offline! _

**Freedumb:** ??????? HEY WHAT THE FUCK

**Horny on Main:** bye felicia

**Freedumb:** NO

_ Horny on Main is offline! _

**Freedumb:** goddammit

**Kneecap Sucker:** if you'd like to keep your relative innocence stay away from alaska for the next few days

**Kneecap Sucker:** france sent me a gotdamn kink list????? so like theres that

**Freedumb:** this is legit just belajapsouth all over again

**Kneecap Sucker:** well maybe it was an accident on the author's part but they've already written this much so they may as well going with it

**Freedumb:** what

**Kneecap Sucker:** what what

**Freedumb: ** what did you just say

**Freedumb:** don't delete it u little shit

_ Kneecap Sucker is offline! _

**Freedumb:** son of a

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ughuhgughhhhhhhh words


	22. Chapter 22

Group Chat: ya boi skinny penis

**6million²mi:** hey. hey i’m gonna add someone.

**she wants the PTSD:** May I ask who it is, so that I may be mentally prepared?

**6million²mi:** no

_ 6million²mi has added China! _

**Motherland:** bye felicia

**6million²mi:** China China China China China China

**China:** Shut the fuck up

**6million²mi:** Hello to you too

**China:** Oh, Russia’s here?

**6million²mi:** perhaps, why? 

**China:** I just haven’t talked to him in a while, is all.

**6million²mi:** RUSSIA

**Motherland:** oh god oh fucj

**Motherland:** sorry bro gotta blast

**6million²mi:** i know you’re still on, dipshit, you didn’t go offline

**Motherland:** i will give you Real Life Money

**6million²mi:** i have no interest in money

**China:** Explanation??? Anyone?

**she wants the PTSD:** Yes, that would be nice.

**China:** Who??? Is that????

**Motherland:** CHINA I WILL PAY YOU TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW

**China:** Apologies, Russia, but this is interesting.

**Motherland:** 🅱️lease

**6million²mi:** @China Russia was supposed to ask you out

**Motherland:** STOP

**6million²mi:** but he’s too much of a 🅱️ussy to do it himself

**Motherland:** please stop

**China:** ...Oh?

**Motherland:** im sorry

**Motherland:** im really sorry

**China:** Whatever for?

**Motherland:** everything? you reading that?? my existence in general??

**China:** I’m not.

**China:** Sorry, I mean. I’m not sorry.

**China:** In fact, I think it’s… a nice idea, I suppose

**Motherland:** wait what

**China:** I’m saying that, if you WERE to “ask me out”, I wouldn’t say no.

**6million²mi:** f i n a l l y

**she wants the PTSD:** That was painful to watch.

**China:** Russia took it to Private Messages, but I am now officially his datemate.

**China:** Partner pal.

**China:** Neutral nutter.

**6million²mi:** hold on a gotdamn minute can u repeat urself

**China:** NEUTRAL. NUTTER.

**Motherland:** I’m crying, but only a little bit.

_ 6million²mi has changed China’s name to Neutral Nutter! _

**Neutral Nutter:** Wise choice.

**6million²mi:** i’ve never seen you use full capital letters before, you good?

**Neutral Nutter:** I’ll admit, I’m a little bit excited. It’s been a while since I was last with anyone.

**Neutral Nutter:** Russia’s a very sweet person, I’m surprised no-one’s taken him yet.

**6million²mi:** what tf do you mean by taken, China?

**Neutral Nutter:** It turns out Russia’s still a virgin.

**Neutral Nutter:** Not for long, though.

**Motherland:** OH OKAY THEN

**6million²mi:** I stg, if I wasn’t currently classified as a micronation, I would have declared war on your ass right then.

**Neutral Nutter:** I’m going to fuck your son, and nobody can stop me.

**Neutral Nutter:** Aside from Russia himself, of course.

**Motherland:** i have no problem with this.

**she wants the PTSD:** I have a problem with this.

**Neutral Nutter:** I still have no idea who you are.

**she wants the PTSD:** Unimportant.

**she wants the PTSD:** Russia, you need to let this go a bit slower. You’ve literally just begun with China, and while you clearly want to have both a romantic and physical relationship with them, it almost feels as if China is only playing the loving part to get to the expected physicality later on. Let things progress for a little while before you try and have sex with them. Make sure they’re really there to stay before you give something as precious as that away.

**6million²mi:** Is this really about them, or is it about That, Reich?

**she wants the PTSD:** This is about Russia and China.

**6million²mi:** That doesn’t answer my question.

**she wants the PTSD:** You aren’t entitled to an answer.

**she wants the PTSD:** @Motherland, just keep what I said in mind.

_ she wants the PTSD is offline! _

**Neutral Nutter:** ??? Who was that?

**Motherland:** That was the Third Reich.

**Neutral Nutter:** wait

**Neutral Nutter:** does that mean that germanys dead

**Neutral Nutter:** he shouldnt be here he shouldnt be alive

**Motherland:** Calm down, Germs is fine. A few countries just came back from the dead a few days ago after Germs and Meri fucked around with the supernatural. I thought someone would have told you by now.

**Neutral Nutter:** That’s… a lot to take in.

**Neutral Nutter:** Why is he here? HERE here?

**Motherland:** It’s a good way to keep up with the revived countries. He doesn’t really have much to do during the day since Germs doesn’t let him out of the house, so he’s on here a lot.

**Neutral Nutter:** Does that make it wrong for me to agree with what he just said?

**Motherland:** I personally wouldn’t say so, but some might disagree.

**Motherland:** He doesn’t seem as if he holds the same mentality and ideals as he used to, from what I’ve heard.

**Motherland:** And I’d have to agree with him on what he said.

**Neutral Nutter:** So, take it slow?

**Motherland:** yegh dude :))))

**6million²mi:** WELL THAT WAS SOMETHING

**6million²mi:** subject change time

**6million²mi:** Would this mean that you guys’s relationship could technically be classified as hetero, since Hetero literally means different, and China’s They/Them enby while Russia’s He/Him Male?????

**Motherland:** shut

**Neutral Nutter:** No, wait, let him finish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> time to disappear for another two weeks again ;0


	23. Chapter 23

Group Chat- ya boi skinny penis 

**Freedumb:** @everyone

**Neutral Nutter:** Gee, I wonder who Freedumb could possibly be.

**Freedumb:** ...China? is that u?

**Neutral Nutter:** How the hell did you figure that out so quickly??

**Freedumb:** a magician never reveals his secrets. also i looked at your default name.

**ow the edge:** what do you want america

**mm, gorls;** yegh some of us were feckin asleep

**Japan:** i completely forgot to actually hit join on this chat jkahjdsfhsjkdh

**Lithuania:** shits going down meri did an @/everyone

**Motherland: **wtf is up kyle

**Syr-yup:** hewwo???

**she wants the PTSD:** I’m online. Like always.

**Britain:** ...That…

**Horny On Main:** gamers can we get an f in the chat for him

**The Philippines:** F.

**Poland:** 😔 f

**Germany:** i haven’t been on here in forever what’s good

**6million²mi:** i have arisen from my slumber

**The PLC:** ??? Why is everyone talking???

**Katipunan:** stop throwing your fucking shoes at me phil im ON

**The Philippines:** :)

**Kneecap Sucker:** im here im queer i like to eat ears

**Germany:** (softly, but with feeling) what the fuck

**Ancient Rome:** Maybe. Maybe you all can shut the fuck up and stop spamming.

**Ancient Greece:** hewwo!! uwu

**Kneecap Sucker:** I Will Shoot You Do Not UwU

**Ancient Greece:** Shwoot me then, cowawd! I am mewewy a monyment to aww of youw sins!

**Greece:** i am ashamed FOR my mother

**Italy:** im always ashamed for everyone because people are shameful

**Freedumb:** aight that’s everyone im gonna tag again in case anyone went offline

**Freedumb:** @everyone

**Freedumb:** Some of you already know this, but my boss wants a meeting with EVERYONE HERE!! That inclues the ones who were revived! The only exception is Reich, but he can come if he wants.

**Freedumb:** it’s a mothafuggin uhhhhhhhhhh POOL PARTY

**Poland:** YEEHAW

**The Philippines:** fear

**ow the edge:** bad idea. lets do it.

**mm, gorls:** this is like twitter all over again and i am here for it

**Motherland:** does this mean i get to see china shirtless, in a one piece, in a two piece, in booty shorts, or a something similar. because if so im down.

**Neutral Nutter:** I usually wear a two piece. :)

**Motherland:** NICENICENICENICENICENICENICE

**Japan:** oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah

**Kneecap Sucker:** lets all go skinny dipping and Pangea again

**France:** OH WORM

**Britain:** OR WE COULD NOT

**Germany:** oh god this is such a terrible idea but i cant stop it

**Syr-yup:** normally im against chaos but. i like this idea.

**6million²mi:** maybe lets not???

**Lithuania:** LETS MCFREAKING LOSE IT

**Katipunan:** no.

**The PLC:** hng. yes.

**she wants the PTSD:** my hatred of government is conflicting heavily with my want to swin in a pool. noodley. poole noodlay.

**Greece:** water nap

**Ancient Greece:** WATER NAP!!

**Italy:** dibs on food service, yall cant cook for shit.

**Ancient Rome:** suck underwater dick

**Italy:** DO NOT

**Freedumb:** @everyone It’s scheduled for Wednesday in two weeks, all day long. owowowowowowo

**Ancient Greece:** water nap time

**Freedumb:** greece calm thine mother

**Greece:** then control yours

**Kneecap Sucker:** gib toes gib toes gib toes gib toes

**Motherland:**

** **

**Poland:** 😩 ugh yes suck my toes da-

**The Philippines:** poland i WILL kill you

**Germany:** hey polen? killing myself rn.

**Poland:** lol do it pussy

**she wants the PTSD:** Me talking to me, 1945 colorized.

**Freedumb:** KJSDFHHKSDFHKDLHGJ

**Freedumb:** DUDE

**Poland:** WAS THAT A FUCKING MEME

**ow the edge:** BITCH TAKE MY NAME U DESERVE IT MORE

**Japan:** MOOD

**Lithuania:** FUCKING SAME

**6million²mi:** im crying a little bit what the fuck

**Syr-yup:** call austria. all of you. every single one of you.

**Neutral Nutter:** No.

**she wants the PTSD:** I’m god.

**she wants the PTSD:** Good. I’m good.

**Kneecap Sucker:** OH SO HE CAN BE GOD BUT I CAN’T

**she wants the PTSD:** Kneecap Sucker???

**Kneecap Sucker:** [Camera_069]

[Image: Okay so. That hentai face people make? Yeah that, except with a kneecap in Native America’s mouth as well as that face.]

**Freedumb:** MOM NO

_ Freedumb has deleted Kneecap Sucker’s image! _

**she wants the PTSD:** I need bleach.

**Germany: **For what??

**she wants the PTSD:** gluglugluglug

**The Philippines:** i need a gotdamn break

**Katipunan:** Kindly do not take your anger out on me

**The Philippines:** No promises :)

**The Philippines:** Also, Greeces: Do Not water nap. You WILL drown. believe me.

**Ancient Rome:** Would Greece drowning really be THAT bad?

**Italy:** ROME N O

**Ancient Greece:** Rome yes

**Greece:** honestly?? poor italy.

**Greece:** my mom says spews a lot of bullshit but she’s also asleep 80% of the time.

**Greece:** Rome seems like he wakes up at the ass crack of dawn and only goes to sleep when chloroformed

**she wants the PTSD:** Does anyone know if that numbing goo that dentists use works for numbing the pain of existence as well, or…

**Syr-yup:** for literally 0 dollars you can call austria and schedule an appointment

**she wants the PTSD:** 0 dollars and what little remains of my dignity

**Germany:** damn does austria even know about these mfers being back???

**Lithuania:** yeah the commonwealth sort of threatened austria’s life a few days ago lol

**Germany:** Shit, dude, don’t treat that so casually!

**Lithuania:** what’s the commonwealth gonna do??? declare war???

**Germany:** MAYBE???

**The PLC:** with what army.

**Germany:** yeah okay

**Poland:** is anyone gonna talk about how rome suggested an underwater blowjob

**Italy:** please don’t in trying to forget those words came from him.

**Ancient Rome:** suck. suck peen.

**she wants the PTSD:** @Syr-yup We are no longer friends.

**Freedumb:** what the fuck man??

**Syr-yup:** lmao

**she wants the PTSD:** And now I’m mad because the shirt’s really soft AND it’s too big, so now I think I’m going to keep it.

**Freedumb:** hhh???

**Syr-yup:** I bought a “don’t fuck with me i WILL cry” shirt for north but it was a couple sizes too big for him and a couple sizes too small for me so i sent it to reich

**she wants the PTSD:** verdammt it’s comfortable

**Syr-yup:** ur welcome lol

**she wants the PTSD:** I want to be mad, but I’m really not.

**Lithuania:** wholesome much???

**Germany:** he is FAR from wholesome

**she wants the PTSD:** I can be wholesome if I want!

**Germany:** uh huh sure

**Poland:** BRUH

**Poland: **HOLD THE PHONE

**ow the edge:** holding it

**Japan:** what’s up bro

**Poland:** SO

**Poland:**U KNOW HOW IT’S LIKE TRADITIONAL AT THIS POINT FOR GERMANY’S FAMILY TO TRY AND TAKE OVER EUROPE AND JUNK

**Germany:** ouch, but yeah

**Japan:** lol yeah why

**Poland:** GERMS HAS ALWAYS SAID HE’D NEVER DO THAT RIGHT

**Poland:** WELL HE FUCKING LIED

**she wants the PTSD:** ...mein gott, Poland, do you mean the union?

**Poland:** YES!! SEE HE GETS IT

**Germany:** what

**Poland:** GERMANY TOOK OVER EUROPE WITH A UNION, THE EU IS THE FOURTH REICH  @everyone 

**ow the edge:** HA

**Japan:** BIG F

**Freedumb:** rip germs

**Britain:** oh. oh dear.

**Horny On Main:** does that make me his partner in crime

**Germany:** Polen, you’ve revealed my master plan. Now I must kill you.

**Poland:** If only you had the balls ://///

**she wants the PTSD:** woah

**Germany:** wow guess i’ll fucking die then

**Italy:** “ugh finally” i say as i begin to kick your corpse

**Germany:** IT’S SO NICE TO KNOW I’M LOVED

**Poland:** bitch who told you that lie

**she wants the PTSD: **Me talking to me after I’m after I’m shown anything even remotely close to affection

**Motherland:** oh mood

**Neutral Nutter:** Damn, just @ me next time.

**The Philippines:**

** **

**Syr-yup:** please.  @everyone  austria’s phone number is ***-***-****

**Freedumb:** thanks

**Syr-yup:** you’re welcome!!

**Freedumb:** now i can block austria

**Syr-yup:** >:(

**Horny On Main:** they won’t listen, mon fils, believe me. i’ve been trying to get them to listen for like 300 years now.

**Neutral Nutter:** Miss me with that stable mental health shit.

**Japan:** rt

**6million²mi:** guess who’s back

**Freedumb:** where tf did you go hoe

**6million²mi:** i may have died

**Freedumb:** why

**6million²mi:** turns out that spaghetti i ate was like. really old. i probably ate a thriving ecosystem tbh.

**Italy:** disgraceful.

**mm, gorls:**

** **

**she wants the PTSD:** @Syr-yup

**she wants the PTSD:** i think thjret was sdomethign wrong with youer shirt

**Germany:** CANADA WHAT THE HELL I HEARD HIM COLLAPSE FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE

**Syr-yup:** :) growing my weed with chloroform was such a good idea

**Germany:** OH MY GOD

**Italy:** mio dio canada

**mm, gorls:** holy shittt

**Freedumb:** NADA N O

**Syr-yup:** :)

**Poland:** IM-

**Japan:** canada, when he got the message about tr receiving the package: honey, you’ve got a big storm comin

**ow the edge:** 😳

**Horny On Main:** @Britain I’m blaming this on you. ur the bad parent.

**Britain:** Sorry, but YOU were the one who told him what chloroform was, luv. <3

**Horny On Main:** u right, u right

**Lithuania: **fffffffff

**Kneecap Sucker:** That’s my boy!!

**6million²mi:** canada how

**6million²mi: **back during ww2 i tried to chloroform him

**6million²mi:** HOW

**Syr-yup:** mmmmmmmagci :)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [half-eaten kit-kats, a diverse cast, and a whole lot of depressed bitches](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21305519) by [mikronicos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikronicos/pseuds/mikronicos)
  * [commit not alive](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24338509) by [raindrxpsonrxses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/raindrxpsonrxses/pseuds/raindrxpsonrxses)


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